Notes From The Cube

Barack Obama & the Nobel Peace Prize

2009-10-10T04:36:00.000-07:00

A day late & a thousand voices too small, but I'll say it anyway . . .

Yesterday I woke up, looked at the headline - and felt proud. Brarack Obama's Nobel Peace Prize.

Every now and then we choose the hope and promise - it changes the way we think. If he were to disappear tomorrow, he's already changed the way other nations think about America, America about itself, the nations among themselves.

Someone carped yesterday about "Gandhi never got the Peace Prize," but if you go to Obama's roots - back through Carter, King, Mandela & Kennedy - Gandhi's received that prize a dozen or more times, in all shades of spiritual, practical and political terms.

Inspiration. It can, like the flowing water of a river, move more mountains than a battalion of tanks. I'm hoping that the promise can be more than empty words, but I already believe that the words. the hope that Barack Obama offers, is already being fulfilled in the simple, so difficult way of touching people's better soul.

Corporate Gigolinas

2009-05-27T00:53:00.001-07:00

The Cube was unfair to single out only the boys yesterday: there are quite a few Corporate "Gigolinas" out there, too. 'Just came across a couple - intelligent women, good speakers, well dressed - with no substantive accomplishment beyond the ability to talk a good business game to the middle-aged male executive or financier with money to lose.

Now, let's step back a moment and look at both the Corporate Gigolos and Gigolinas. They're not con artists, boy toys or trophy wives-to-be. They are smart young business people who find an older male or female executive with money and a need for validation. The Gigos turn their brains to riding the wave of salaried (high salaried) employment as advisors, personal assistants, consultants to these folks -- never caring one way or another if the plan/project/business is a good idea or not. Doesn't matter to them. Spend the money or budget and, if it starts to run out, look for contacts along the way who are suitably impressed by your appearance and obvious professionalism that you can jump ship with hardly a wet toe.

Corporate Gigolos

2009-05-25T12:53:00.000-07:00

'Didn't intend to write any more, but... well...

Met a few guys lately who fall into a category I can only describe as "corporate gigolos".

What the hell is that?

Well... Take an educated male, with no particular accomplishment, but some education, perhaps some well-developed spiel about a high-tech area of promise, and team him with a woman of some accomplishment but, perhaps, in need of cheering up, or validation, or something to make her current situation make sense. The "Corporate Gigolo" seduces with the energy of his presentation, the flash of his buzz-word knowledge, the simple fact that he exudes the same confidence that the accomplished woman (or man) had felt for years --- until recently.

Is it real? To a certain extent.

Is it honest? To the extent that the Corporate Gigolo certainly believes in himself.

Is it "honest" honest? No. The Corporate Gigolo exists on words, on promises. He is not an accomplisher - he is promoter - of himself.

He is very successful. Because - as we all grow older - we understand how little we know. And we want so much - so much - to recapture the confidence of youth.

2006-06-09T21:57:00.000-07:00

OK, it's finished. Go back to May 2005 and work your way forward to see the whole story

Unintended Last Day

2006-06-07T15:00:00.000-07:00

So this is how it ended. Gone, Good-bye. Kaput mid-day.

Responsibility repaid: Gave the 30 days notice and the offer to help transition anyone new or old into the duties. Told this to The Lead (she still doesn’t have “Manager” behind her name, after 7 years). This was at 8 a.m. She huddled with the Veep at 10 a.m. He huddled with HR at 11 a.m. They called me in at noon – “Can you hold up your lunch for a few minutes” – waited till everyone else had left for vittles, then gave me 15 minutes to clear out my desk. Under supervision.

“Voluntary termination at management request.”

Should have known: The Company is “leaning” again – there’s more Budget credit to cutting me out than having me resign: helps meet the 10% Across-the-Boards management goal.

And the transition?

Hey, nobody – nothing’s – irreplaceable. There’s always someone to take up the slack.

As for the inconvenience, lost time figuring out what’s what, and simple monetary losses from an abrupt departure? That’s what Overhead is all about.

Pretty much of a normal day.

Knowing When To Leave

2006-06-06T06:12:00.000-07:00

Probably thought that governments were too bureaucracy-laden and private industry would have more room for initiative. Maybe so, but it seems that whenever you get 3 people together there is a bureaucracy.

Have nothing against bureaucracy as a concept per se, by the way – things have to be organized – but the “bureaucracy” complaining about here is just using Organization as an excuse for, for…

For anything, really. For lack of initiative, of course. For ducking responsibility. To cover tracks. To passively aggress. To excuse when there is no excuse. To manipulate by rules. To let rules decide. To forget what the rules meant for. To dance in a circle.

Ten years ago, maybe longer. Just started in the cubes – not here – and worked in an office with Tom. Seemed like an older man. (40? 45? 50? I was 22, who can tell?) Tom always worked hard. Always busy. Tom had been there so long he had an annual 4 week vacation. We were scared: how do we cover for Tom?!? So, each day, 3 of us divvied up his Incoming and… by Day 4… we were caught up! By Day 5 we could finish his work in ¼ day. By Week 2 one person could finish Tom’s daily workload in ¼ day. Tom, it seems, was always busy because he never finished anything. He simply worked the bureaucracy, filling up one part of an Incoming and forwarding it on, incomplete, with the assurance that it would come back to him in a circle. 4 or 5 steps per Incoming, when he could have done it in 1 or 2. And no one caught on. When he came back, all went back to normal. The circle dance.

(Funny thing – ha, ha – a half year later I was offered promotion to Asst. Manager over Tom [and over the black guy with more knowledge & skill than me]. First thing a “responsible” Asst. Manager would have to do would be to fire Tom – I knew he was not only not carrying his load but was causing others to work harder. This cube worker can’t lay off any middle aged man with a family to care for, so I resigned and found another job elsewhere. Tom was promoted to Asst. Manager. Ha, ha!)

Time to leave here. Give myself 2 months: 30 days notice here and I’ve still got almost 4 weeks of Sick pay accrued – I can scurry around and find something hopefully. It won’t be different anywhere else probably, but I just can’t keep the beat to the circle dance.

Return From Vacation: Déjà Vu

2006-06-05T20:11:00.000-07:00

Back from 3 weeks vacation today and – everything – is – exactly – the – same.

Everything.

Not one of the “crisis” issues has been resolved – not even those with “hard” deadlines of 2 weeks earlier.

Desk is piled high with Stuff – expected – but not in a way that indicates any of the Crises were waiting on me. Working my way down the pile(s), I see that the Crises are just going round-and-round in circles.

Maybe that’s why I’m here? The impatience of a lowly cube worker pulling things out of the circle brings resolution? Apparently. Responsibility without Authority.

But what if you don’t want it?

Elsewhere

2006-06-04T07:09:00.000-07:00

On vacation.

Noticed something: lived the life of a 21-year-old college student on spring break and have suffered no headaches, digestive problems, carpal tunnel numbness or any of the other daily aches and pains.

Didn’t look at company email/voicemail/hardmail once. Wonder what’s been happening since gone?

On Vacation: Cut Off – Intentionally

2006-05-13T09:08:00.000-07:00

Started the 3-weeker today. Made a vow not to access my company emails at all during that time. I have even disconnected my cellphone: 'can’t be reached. I will return as if “New.”

And I Stayed Late?

2006-05-12T21:05:00.000-07:00

I planned on working late today to clear up as much as possible before I go on long vacation and to prep things for my absence. It was a good, foolishly naïve plan. Forgot that it was a springtime Friday in the middle of the quarter: good weather, no end-of-quarter deadlines, weekend. The Prez and every single Veep was gone by noon (if they came in at all). Half the Management was gone by 3 p.m. 75% of the cubes by 4. By 5 just me and the cleaning lady. Biiiig empty floor.

I left at 8, I prepped it anyway. I like the office when I’m all alone: you get a lot of work done, you can talk loud, and it feels like home since you can raid the refrigerator for leftovers since it all gets thrown out over the weekend.

The Tragik Komedy of Precision Ben - Part V (finished)

2006-05-11T07:56:00.000-07:00

[A Tale in 5 Parts: Part I - 8/23, Part II- 8/28, Part III-9/04, Part IV - 9/11]
This Part V was started on 9/18 . . .

Impasse
Standstill
Ben you hate me I hate you we
Love
Hate
This place after forty years
It’s been our home our only home our
Child.

Like any good marriage in distress
We sought counseling
..and were counseled
..to seek
..a mediating
Board.

(A Note from The Cube, 5/18: 'have to stop here - for now - too difficult watching it, remembering it - will try to finish . . .)

(5/11: So, then, this is how it's playing out:)

I will make my name in futures
I will forget the past

Yep, Ben, that’s what you said…

So the Board brought in the Future
..and the Future looked like them.
Found a new President
..one of them.
Found a new Team
..from them.
Started a New Company
..by them.

Don’t you know, Ben,
This is your mantra –
You never chanted it quite like this
But this is how they sing it now:
Everything Old is bad
Everything New is good
New is the Future
Forget the Past
(Knowledge)
Steal from the Past
($$$$)
To build the Future.

Isolate,
Prevaricate,
Castrate,
Ben.
The Past is gone.

How could you know the Future
..for them
Was without you?

And me?

Me they lost me first
..with their first lie
..and your first vote.
Me and the 3rd shift:
(but of course they didn’t tell you that, still – )
Did you hear us say good-bye?

The office is still yours:
..so big.
The white offices around:
..new faces.
The factories you built:
..farmed out.
They even forced your mistress out:
..so quiet now.

Take your few handful few new clericals
And issue your memos to the wind –
They will report your every word, never fear,
Every word to be discarded

in smiles and yeses and silent ignorances.

50th Anniversary looms:
In honor of the savaged Past
They will honor the Future.
Honored you are, Ben.
Honor for the dead and dying.

Do you hear your voice echo?

I will make my name in futures
I will forget the past

Accrued Benefits

2006-05-10T16:20:00.000-07:00

I still have almost 4 weeks of vacation due to me - the "accrued benefits" of not taking a vacation for over 2 ½ years. (I have to agree with the Counters here: lying in bed sick for a week doesn't quite count as rest).

Almost 4 weeks. Now they tell me I have to "use it or lose it" before the 4th of July.

This is odd, because I just took a week's vacation a month ago. Apparently the Counters reign over the Accountable: the message was filtered down from HR to my VP to my immediate supervisor/lead, who told me this with horror in her eyes, because she knows what is coming up.

Then again, she took off two weeks a month ago at the same time I had my 1 week vacation - mine planned a half year in advance - without particularly caring about accountability for the department. Because she left 2 days before me, she even wrote a company-wide email referring all of her caseload to me. (And me? I had no one to slough it off to, so all I could do was apologize and tell everyone to put it on my desk. Yep, it was there WAITING, Waiting, waiting.)

But now I gotta go on vacation again, starting next week. 'Wonder how we'll work that out?

Variation on a Theme

2006-05-09T22:53:00.000-07:00

The decision was made 2 months ago. Now it's being re-decided. Not "reconsidered." Everyone seems to have forgotten that they made a decision at all.

This is funny (not ha-ha), because we have a memo setting up the old decision-making meeting, a summary of the issue as distributed at that meeting, and a memo issued after the meeting confirming the decision made.

But nobody - nobody - remembers it.

Avoided eMails Bite the Butt

2006-05-08T18:44:00.000-07:00

Ohhh was I smart not to read my late-afternoon Friday emails: they would have sent my head spinning through the roof!

A "flurry" of emails always indicates one of two things:
1. A joke that everyone sends to everyone else, ignoring the fact that their names were already on the distribution list of the email they received containing the joke in the first place; or
2. Accelerating hysteria on some issue that nobody has bothered to get the facts about, opinions being easier to cite than research.

Since jokes don't make my head spin off, accelerated hysteria was the criminal this time.

The head spinning has to do with the fact that I have already written four reports on the topic (in descending order: the original researched info compilation, a summary of the research info, an analysis, and a summary of the analysis). The hysteria came from the fact that Veeps apparently have the collective memory of a ferret: no one appears to remember a thing that was contained in the reports already received.

Wait!, oh, stupid me: memory's not the problem. I forgot Rule #1: IF YOU WRITE IT, IT WILL NOT BE READ.

We are now scheduled on Tuesday to have a special teleconference with an attorney on the topic. Let's ignore the fact that the research reports were derived from the attorney's analysis of the situation in the first place. He has his own Rule #1, too: At $400/hour, 15 minutes minimum charge, I will listen to any redundant, ill-considered or stupid questions asked.

His Rule #2 makes even more sense: At $400/hour, 1 hour minimum, I will research any topic, even if I have already reported on it.

Avoiding eMails

2006-05-07T07:05:00.000-07:00

Last Friday there were a flurry of emails in the afternoon - which I didn't read. It was Friday afternoon, only two hours countdown till time to go, and that flurrying about indicated something that would either:
a. upset me, or
b. give me work over the weekend, or
c. make me feel guilty that I wasn't working over the weekend.

Y'see, I'm taking the advice of the "motivational" seminar they had me attend a couple of days earlier: "You (I) hereby understand that you (I) cannot, will not, and will never be able to CHANGE THE UNIVERSE." So, since I can't, won't and will never - and they paid good bucks to have me taught that - I might as well put the lesson to practice. It'll keep till Monday morning.

Starting to think about leaving

2006-05-06T10:18:00.000-07:00

Always considered job loyalty a given. Came here for that reason: with a 15-year termer saying "I'm one of the new people," there was a sense of security and family about this place. A lot of problems, true, but like old-time families (before divorce was de rigeuer) they worked things out. Or covered them up. Or, at any rate, survived them. Survived them, yes: got here at the tag end of that era and saw how it worked.

Now, since the "new" team has been here for 3 years, loyalty from the company down is certainly no more. Lookit all the old-timers harassed off. I'm new enough to escape that purge, but it still ain't fun to watch.

Job loyalty... Oh, what am I saying: hypocrite - I sure was ready to leave this place a couple of years ago when my "old" manager was getting too oppressive. But that was Dan the Hyper-Active Boss Man, and he had actually only come a couple of years before me - and he was going crazy because the New Team was isolating him, and he reacted in all the wrong ways.

But why leave here? To what? 'Haven't looked for a better job ever before: there were enough recession-driven layoffs, bubble-burst collapses and we're-bought/you're-out situations to make most supposedly career-track jobs into just extended short stays. This here is what's out there.

But - what used to be a "family" is maybe now more like a dinner party - and did you ever feel like you've stayed a little too long and it's time to leave?

Waiting for Buzz 2

2006-05-06T08:04:00.000-07:00

From yesterday:

Set-up five meetings for Buzz on the day of his return...

My guess is he'll leave halfway through the day "for health reasons." He's not a martyr, just an old man not being treated well.

Waiting for Buzz

2006-05-05T06:32:00.000-07:00

Buzz has been gone on vacation for almost three weeks - comes back Monday. Not soon enough: the buzzards have been circling his VP desk for the past two weeks, picking at the department in his absence, pulling away bits and pieces of authority, throwing on budget items that they don't want, letting certain "authorizations" slide till their cancellation is a fait accompli. Well, he's nearing retirement - could have retired a year ago. Guess they're just trying to hasten the process or take advantage of the carrion that is us. There won't be a low-up when he returns, just a sigh.

Set-up five meetings for Buzz on the day of his return.

Selling Ginsu Knives of the Soul

2006-05-04T18:39:00.000-07:00

Note from The Cube: 'Have been required to attend bi-monthly offsite one-day seminars this past year - part of a Company "Improvement" Policy designed to upgrade work skills without actually investing in higher education. There is an entire workbook of programmed "notes," but these are the personal additions in the margins . . .

50 cliches in a row - rapid fire - impressive. I bet she sells Ginsu knives on the side.

Who is the audience for her? Us?

Loud.

Chitlin' Circuit entertainment: Energy + Volume

Can we drop any more names? No, because she will be selling their books and tapes later today and this is the set-up to the pitch.

Note that, so far, 40% of this seminar is interchangeable with last seminar on a different topic.

Good idea: Skills not Pills.

Long on generalities that could go with any "motivational" topic.

????Thinking about that: I didn't know that this was supposed to be a motivational seminar.

Asking questions but not looking for answers - already has "answers."

It's a genre.

White noise after a while.

Diva acting. (I suppose I could do this, too - do do it - but get tired of it quickly)

"Motivational" seminars: without context of society - very Me oriented - lip service to religion and culture, but self-esteem is the core.

Very smugly proud of how "innovative" she is. Maybe she's right, since this seems new to so many. But, after only 1 seminar, I already know the slogans for this one - and, theoretically, it is on a different topic.

Deadline Workers

2006-05-03T07:29:00.000-07:00

Just a little note on yesterday's deadline.

Nancy's a bug, but she's fun to work with on deadlines. 'Real pain-in-the-ass for everydays, but bright and competent and funny when the pressure's on. Means she's meant for crisis mode, not everydays. Or she's schizo - but it works for us.

Solly's the opposite, though: probably everyone's best friend on everydays - keep him away when there's a deadline. Exactly the things that make him OK to deal with on the daily routine - steadiness, no sense of stress, always a joke, never pressuring you with an urgency - those things seem like such a backwards drag when there's a hard due date and a rush. Solly don't run - never - Solly walks.

So ya live and learn. Too bad we can't swap out Nancy and Solly on an as-needed basis. Then again: What do they think about me?

Made Another Deadline

2006-05-02T21:23:00.000-07:00

Made another deadline
Hip-hip-hooray!
Doesn't mean an awful lot
But we had to stay:
Some till seven, some till eight
Some till overnight -
Whew, that's late!
But we did it on time
And we beat the clock
Now they're shipping that order
On the loading dock.
And it doesn't really matter
If there'd been a big delay
But we did it on time -
Though they said we couldn't do it -
Yeah, we did it on time
Today!

Meeting @ 3 p.m.

2006-05-01T17:58:00.000-07:00

16 people in a meeting room meant for 8. Palpable excitement or mis-planned location?

Projector works fantastic but laptop connection to the network dead. Fiddle for 10 minutes. Deader.

Paper now. Economy drive on, so double-sided landscape-oriented spreadsheets, auto-stapled on the wrong corner. The awkward shuffle of upside-down-backward docs.

Font so small you can't read. Economy.

No idea what is being discussed, but assigned to (shuffle, shuffle) help finish (shuffle) . . . something. We'll have another meeting later to clarify.

Mtg. over. IS came in. Fixed network connection with flip to function key.

Sunday Tasks

2006-04-30T07:39:00.000-07:00

It is harder on Sundays.

Saturday Sleep

2006-04-29T06:28:00.000-07:00

Another weekend song . . .

Sleep sleep sleep sleep.
Can't sleep sleep sleep.
Want to sleep sleep.
Why can't I sleep?

The Deadline That Nobody Cares About

2006-04-28T22:44:00.000-07:00

We stayed till 8 p.m. tonight to (unsuccessfully) meet a deadline that nobody cares about.

Oh, the deadline is real. A product cannot be produced and delivered to a new (BIG) client without the deadline met. Which doesn't change the fact that nobody seems to care about that: it is Friday - chance to take a 3-day weekend or go home a little early or, at least, don't stick around past 5 p.m.

Except for our little block of cubes. Nobody gave us The Message. Clueless, we drafted-on through the day, into the night, filling the millions of papers they need, sending them on for the appropriate authorizations on a quarter-hour basis all day long. Going over again and again to retrieve them from --- whom?

All gone or never in. No memo, no relief from The Deadline. We are expected to deliver. They are accountable to none.

So we didn't make The Deadline. Monday we'll try again.

Minions work. Masters bate.

Something's Due

2006-04-27T05:38:00.000-07:00

Two different people came up yesterday asking for information that I know nothing about.

Well, one thinks, simply say "I don't know."

But that easier answer is a little more complicated by the fact that:

a. The people asking are nice.
b. The people asking are management.
c. The information they want is legitimate.
d. Who the hell does know the answer?

They piqued my curiosity. Now I've got to know. So I promised I would "look into it" and, damn!, forgot that I have a reputation for "delivering."

So now I've got something due and I'm not quite sure what it is.

I'm also not quite sure how much anyone cares: the question could be legit, but the motivation behind it may be shaky. Or forgotten by tomorrow. I have no illusions about the memory retention of the company. Ferrets have more stick-to-it power sometimes. But I promised. And I am curious.

Me and the killed cat: curiosity.

Burt Beats Bad

2006-04-26T18:07:00.000-07:00

Learned something yesterday: Burt beats bad today.

Burt don' like to be crossed, man.

'Thought I'd bought a week till the missing VPs return and could be part of the decision that Burt the Bully Veep was pushing through yesterday - a decision that would normally be their decision, since it is their departments' activity affected, not Burt's.

Yep, Burt don' like to be crossed.

So I stalled for time with a promise to "provide more information." True promise, too. And provided the info today. Good info, too.

Oh, gawd, Burt don't like to be crossed.

Took me 3 hours to prep the info. 'Took Burt all of 30 seconds to write his Bolded, underlined, no-questions-about-it-at-all response --- to everyone:

"You were not authorized to work further on this: the decision has been made. Cease all further activity. THIS IS CLOSED."

People walk past the cube with their eyes averted.

Burt is smilin' and laughin', though. Said "Hi!" to me today with a cheeriness I have not seen in months.

Sandbagged

2006-04-25T07:27:00.000-07:00

'Sat in for my Veep today at an executive meeting.

Things went well for a while, until . . .

Until Burt the Bully decided this was a good time for some turf warring on our department. Suddenly there was a new item - not on the agenda: Why was our department engaged in an activity that Burt thought was a waste of time?

"Justify it," he says.

"The executive committee approved this last November, during the budget sessions," I answers lamely, not having been there but knowing when we had to start doing it.

"But why are we doing it now?" Burt bores down.

This is a "fun" situation, because Burt does not believe in "speaking above your pay level" (ex-Army man, y'see) and the look in his eyes is one of challenge. Burt does not like to hear info he disagrees with - 'learned this from other situations - but now I'm in the catbird seat for my Veep and...

Well, here's the funner part: I actually agree with Burt on this issue - but I don't think it's fair to let my Veep's position get plowed under just because he's not there. And certainly not because Burt is sure he can bully over any old cube worker who happens to be sitting in.

The Prez, as always, acts as if he's never heard anything about the issue before.

It's not his fault: He really truly sincerely prefers to avoid conflict and will agree with anyone he's with when one-on-one - then do what he has to do anyway when they're out of sight. Consequently, these all-together-in-one-place sessions have an awkward protocol: the Prez wants everything smiley friendly and, since the Veeps are wise to his personal preferences, they make mushy mooshy sounds of consensus and then go slug it out in the aisles.

Except for Burt - who, if I didn't mention it before, is also the Prez's hit man: the Heavy to the the Prez's Nice Guy persona. No one is quite certain if Burt is always speaking for the Prez but - as in today - when Burt speaks in his definitive way, all others keep silent.

Except for stupid me.

I argued. I voiced the justifications my Veep made when they agreed to this thing a few months ago. I got the dagger look from Burt. And, finally, I kept the group from having a "consensus" by offering, clerical-style, to provide "informational documentation" - a stall tactic till my Veep returns for the next meeting.

'Problem is, I don't think my Veep feels like fighting with Burt over anything.

Stupid me. Time to go back to my cube and not act like a responsible executive.

Who's On First?

2006-04-24T07:00:00.000-07:00

Not being at the meeting, one has only the Rashomon version:

Voice 1 (President emeritus): Marketing decided that they don't like the current OEM deal we have - no profit - and need to revive the old product development that was dropped 3 years ago. That was Harry's decision back then to drop it, no wonder he's gone.

Voice 2 (Veep Engineering): This idea is just from the President Emeritus. Nobody in Marketing really wants it, they're just going along with him till the idea blows over. We have to think about developing products for the future, not from before my time here, when Harry was running things.

Voice 3 (Director Marketing): We're just exploring ideas, it's one of those on the table. I heard we have an old product ready to go. Harry told me about it but I wasn't in-house back then.

Voice 4: Y'know, I think Harry did a cost analysis and sales projection on the old product development.

Voice 1: This is a top priority.

Voice 2: This is a bottom priority.

Voice 3: We have to explore the priorities.

Instant Karma (Advertised)

2006-04-23T07:09:00.000-07:00

There's a slogan that you wrote
And the public pays attention,
Now everyone takes note
When you fart with gas retention.
'Cause now you are the man:
Everybody is a fan -
Sell they know you can.
Only problem is,
The product works like shit.
Well, they say, "That's biz,"
But your ad it is a hit.
Instant karma, sudden fate:
Recognition sure is great.

Weekend Song

2006-04-22T10:56:00.000-07:00

Need a weekend song . . .

The sun is bright
The day is hot
The wonder of it is
Why do I work so harder now
When this my day off is?

My back it aches
My arms are scratched
My fingers watch them bleed
I sure is fun to sweat and curse
A masochistic need.

The dog barks loud
The cat moans low
The bird squawks in his cage
The morning starts off glorious
Hooray, it’s Saturday!

C’mon, now, let’s be honest about it: Friday night after work is sooo much better than Saturday responsibilities!

The Rules & Standards of Hell

2006-04-21T09:37:00.000-07:00

Perhaps it is with deadpan seriousness that we will go down in flames. The following list was posted as official Quality policy yesterday:

1. Maintain Quality standards.
2. Discourage non-Quality thinking
3. Enable Quality.

This type of all-company memo complements the company's website marketing literature for a certain Security product, in which the "advantages of the system" are listed:

* Increased facility security
* Personal accountability now guaranteed
* Prisoner tracking enhanced
* Death Row incident reduction
* Terrorist identification
* Inexpensive
* Upgrade-ready
* Easy-to-implement, easier to use.

This puts us in concert, apparently, with the rest of the world, where both liberal and conservative radio stations can boast these statements with a straight face:

Support your Soul and Sheriff Dan Bowen

This store provides you with the revolutionary tools for your next radical feminist meeting.

Change, Last Minute

2006-04-20T10:00:00.000-07:00

In concert with an earlier mantra, "If you write it, it will not be read," comes now the observation:

If you ask for corrections, they will come - at the last minute.

Corollary to that:

After it is almost too late to do anything without a late-night rush.

Is there anything more to say?

Sure there is.

Let us be truthful with ourselves here: everyone loves to change someone else's work. This is especially true when there is no accountability - i.e., someone else, not you, has their name on the puppy but they have foolishly asked you (or have no choice in the matter) for changes that should be made.

Of course, of course, of course you don't have a lot of time to spend on this dog. but seat-of-the-pants opinion doesn't take much time. And it is so obvious that you, with your last-minute inspiration, can add so much. So much.

And remember: this cur may be mangy, but your 1 or 2 changes can potentially result in a complete makeover of the entire concept, presentation, formatting or whatnot.

Change, Last Minute - it is a powerful tool in the right hands.

They Missed Me

2006-04-19T06:49:00.000-07:00

It's satisfying to be wanted: the desk piled high with Incoming, the voicemail filled with Requests, the email mailbox filled to capacity, and the gratified looks that say: You've been gone a week - we've missed you.

Actually, they haven't missed me. Not one whit. They just acted as if I was still here and piled all this crap on daily without regard to the email Office Assistant telling them Out Of Office, ears stone-deaf to the voicemail instant message repeating On Vacation, and legally blind to the big Big BIG SIGN taped to the chair with the oh-so-cutesy message from Ellen, the office secretary, saying He's Gone Fishin'.

But they missed me! They really missed me!

Vacation (Still)

2006-04-18T07:45:00.000-07:00

Last day of freedom seems the sweetest and saddest.

“Freedom.” Wrote it without thinking. Says everything, eh?

Actually, don’t dislike working, just the meaningless of so much of it in the cubes. Driving yesterday, meaningless, made more sense than the weekly report that no one reads but everyone demands. The report makes sense, too, actually – but no one reads it. Meaningless.

660 miles to cover on the way home. Too short.

Vacation & Return To Work: Wrong Way

2006-04-17T10:52:00.000-07:00

Had the opportunity to drive straight home, have a day off to relax, then return to work at end of vacation. Just couldn’t do it. Turned left at Portland and am heading 300 miles somewhere in the wrong direction. The wrong direction…

It will be a long drive tomorrow – probably won’t get in till 2-3 a.m. the morning I have to go back into work – but it’s not the wrong direction to go.

Offsite Network Access

2006-04-16T08:02:00.000-07:00

It is so fun to be able to travel virtually anywhere in the U.S. and find a free internet access. Wireless, usually. I am sitting in a farm country diner in Idaho and keying-in to my friends, to my family, and - stupid, STUPID me - to my work.

I should NOT have looked into my work email. I wrote an Out Of Office message saying I wouldn't. I swore I wouldn't. I even thought I couldn't.

But I could - and curiosity got the better of me. Me and the dead cat.

Now I know what's facing me when I return.

So much for relaxing into my bliss. Sitting in an Idaho diner looking at new-plowed fields with snow-capped mountains in the gorgeous distance and unable to think of anything but forms, reports and filings that I despise. Blisshit!

Vacation Sleep

2006-04-15T09:19:00.000-07:00

Vacation: Day 3

Sleeping later. Major improvement over first two days when arose earlier than normal. Discovered horrible fact: like early morning when not forced to face it. Sleeping later, then, is perverse sort of punishment: not easy to do, not particularly enjoyable, but know that the body rhythm will change and will forget how to "get up" earlier.

Also, unless you're a hunter (am not) or a golfer (am not not), why the hell get up so early anyway when it's not work-related? Reading t'ain't so fun in the pre-dawn grey morning. And it's too early to sit by a fire with some strong drink in hand. Sex is fun, but it's too early for loved partner who doesn't see reason for pre-work erotic hours when the whole day is free. An excellent idea which we will attempt to implement today. We shall see if ability is equal to ambition.

Vacation: Countdown Back

2006-04-14T07:15:00.000-07:00

Vacation: Day #2

Already counting down how few days are left till time to go back. Not anticipation - feeling oh so feeling life too cliche short (or, at least, vacation too short). Haven't "done" anything yet and already wish there was more time to do it. Small taste is Tantalus' punishment.

Left It Behind - Oh, No

2006-04-13T06:34:00.000-07:00

Vacation's begun, job's left behind for a week.

Oh, God, that's the theory, isn't it?

First night's dreams, even before setting out on the road, has piles of papers on the desk reshuffling themselves around. Shuffling themselves around: They - Will - Never - Be - Finished.

This is grade school redux, when the nights before and after a "BIG" report (a whole page! - with a construction paper map!), those nights had the same recurring nightmare: I was throwing out the trash and - right after tearing all the garbage papers in half - I realized that I JUST TORE UP MY ONLY COPY OF THE REPORT!!!

The bad dream followed me into junior high and high school, drifting into adulthood...

The only thing that cured that nightmare was, being in college, seeing a doctoral student have her final draft, typed manuscript blow away in the wind, right out of her hands, as she was walking it to her thesis review. Her real life shock took the oomph out of my nightmare. It was gone. I was relieved.

And now...

I need to find some hard-luck cube worker and watch...

Day Before Vacation

2006-04-12T21:14:00.000-07:00

There are two ways to approach an impending vacation: with your mind already checked out or as a responsible individual.

If you're honest with yourself, your thoughts are miiiiiiles away from the cube.

Realistically, if anyone else in the company knows you are going - especially management - you ain't got a chance of escaping into the mindworld of travel a minute earlier than the last minute you clock out.

Jeez!, I'll be gone only a week but there are 10 days of "we need this before you go" jobs plopped on my desk. It's funny how, in an economy where every employee is a disposable commodity, until you are tossed out you are indispensable.

I'd like to inflate my ego and think it's me that's so invaluable, but I am fair enough to admit that I have the same stampeding herd instinct as everyone else: when I know that Lucy, Will, Takesha or Jim-Bob Jones is going away on vacation, I home-in on their desk with my own "can you see to this before you go" pleas. Of course I don't have management clout, but my eyes well up in supplication and . . .

And, today, hoping to leave tomorrow A.M. at the crack of dawn, I am still here in the wee hours of the night. Suckered again by sweet eyes, bonhommie and a misguided sense of duty.

High-Concept Analysis

2006-04-11T06:52:00.000-07:00

One never listens to inside counsel: the outside voice - paid for profusely - is the wiser one. Always. The receipts say so.

These notes cull the core meaning of our Company's most recent high-concept analysis, distilled from three hours of locked-away seclusion in the meeting room.

It was a motivational meeting. We were inspired, emboldened, prepared to be undeterred in our quest for excellence:

One two, one two,
A snickerdoo: a quicker three or four.
The garboiled fisk has slibbed the klest
Insernate evermore.
Were you to mrew the emptire crew
Impring the brudbund shate,
The instang crash of bouldened snash
Desteers embittered hate.

Dan's List of Obstacles: Old Regime

2006-04-10T13:30:00.000-07:00

Just to keep from getting nostalgic for the past too much, 'pulled up Dan the Hyper-Active Boss Man's "List of Obstacles" that he compiled when the New Team came in. Of course, as in everything Dan did, he overdid it: we started with "A Summary A, B. C" and ended up at item "R.R.R.R."

This part of the list, detailing the sins of the Old Regime, may explain why the late, great, gone Dan had few fans among the old-timers:

b. Absenteeism of president (70% out)
c. 2 owners, 50/50 vote/fight
d. 1 pro-Us / 1 anti-Us

h. Lack of business plan or direction
i. Lack of continual planning: seat-of-the-pants through the year, once-a-year thinking
j. Owner intimidation
k. VPs on part-time schedules
l. VPs too involved in petty issues, not enough management thinking
m. Company Culture - Longevity vs. Any Change
n. Longevity employees get away with murder
o. Inequality in Position vs. Title

t. VP conflicts of interest

v. Master Plan used as wish list, not thought out

y. Negative attitudes - say "No" first - justification required even when obvious
z. Positions without Authority

dd. Lack of mid-management accountability

ff. Lack of clear job descriptions & organizational structure

kk. Poor Production planning

oo. Lack of Marketing leadership

qq. Lack of commitment (budget) to consider new product offerings to the company

ss. Micro-management

vv. QC bottleneck - all levels
ww. Elite depts get away with anything
xx. Lack of recognition and commensurate reward among the departments

kkk. Turf issues

lll. Mid-Management weekly meetings: nothing planned

ttt. Lack of vision in existing core products

bbbb. Phone system sucks
cccc. Indeciveness on cubicles - constantly changing

ffff. Too many approval signatures required on documents
gggg. Lack of professionalism
hhhh. Failure of company to provide talent-attracting salaries

kkkk. Lengthy, frequent & aimless meetings

oooo. General decision paranoia

rrrr. Rumors spreading

Haiku: Empty Word

2006-04-09T16:25:00.000-07:00

Yeah . . .

So what do you say
after the last few days?

Shit
is not
enough.

They made him cry

2006-04-08T05:51:00.000-07:00

They made him cry, the bastards!

Buzz, he’s been here 25 years, 26 next month. Once, a few years ago, he was in charge of half the company. Never an owner, never the top Veep, just the man who kept things running and told things straight.

Then the new Exec Team came in. Buzz welcomed them because he knows he’s getting old and running out of steam. When they started divvying things up, he agreed, because he knows that one man – even him – should never have had so many departments under him. Besides, he was retiring in a short, very short while.

But this company had been like his extended family. Not a family he wanted, but a family that came to him when it needed help. He saw one owner through two divorces. He saw the security guard through his son’s cancer death. He helped keep a line worker’s furniture from being repossessed and found another Veep a job after it was apparent that the other guy was too young to retire and too old to meet this company’s high-paced needs. Buzz saw children born and accidents rushed to the hospital and houses bought with financing he encouraged the company to arrange. A lot of marriages. There is a photo of Buzz dressed in a Hawaiian skirt singing to the company at an impromptu lunchtime picnic: a little embarrassed, a little embarrassing – speaking of “sing,” Buzz can’t – but family.

Still, Buzz has his own real-life family and no illusions about which is more important. ’Never did. He saw the big 6-5 coming and knew where he wanted to be when that year hit.

And then he saw what the new Exec Team was doing to the factory family. Even as they were smiling to the crowd they were printing CONFIDENTIAL “lean” strategies for themselves. So Buzz decided to stay on a while longer to help his second family as much as he could. After all, if anyone knows the company and how it runs better than Buzz, it would only be the original founder, Ben. But Ben’s in his 70s and admits that he has only enough energy to follow the R&D that was always so dear to his creative heart. Nope, Buzz was who Ben looked to, argued with, agreed with, or overrode when they were both in their prime. There’s another owner, but he wasn’t a founder only a–

Another story. Buzz’s story, now: If you want to know how things run, especially if you’re coming from outside, talk to Buzz. From nuts to bolts to shipping to customer care, Buzz knows how things run. All you have to do is listen. He’s not even proprietary or egotistical about what he knows: if you’ve got a good idea, he’ll chew it over, subject it to the experience he has, and stand by you stronger than you can yourself. Buzz isn’t God, he makes mistakes – and he knows it – but he’s a mighty good archangel to have by your side.

All you have to do is listen.

Unless you don’t care about facts.

Unless you’ve come in with your ideas pre-set and your plans pre-determined and, dammit!, if the facts on the ground don’t match your plans: Tough. You have MBA-written management books to back you up, seminars from the khans of corporation, the winds of change blowing in your direction, the end of history as your stepping stone. You – can – change – the – facts.

That’s what everyone you listen to says: Change the Facts to match the Goals of the Plan.

Certainly don’t ask Buzz. He might come up with ideas to meet those Goals via a different Plan. Certainly don’t listen to Buzz.

Marginalize him. Divide up his authority into smaller and smaller slices. Keep him around to make Precision Ben feel comfortable, but isolate them by retiring everyone else they know. Make your decisions around them, keep them out of the loop. Precision Ben, well, him you’ve got to keep around to maintain the cash flow from his reserves. But Buzz: let him know that retirement is a reward well-deserved.

But Buzz keeps sticking around. “I have to try to help my family,” he said in confidence one day 18 months ago. “'Lean' means layoff to them. Too many of these people have given us 27, 30, 35 years of their lives. We’re not losing money. We don’t have to ‘lean’ that way. We owe it to them.”

That was last year. It’s not hard to lie to Buzz: he trusts people. So they lie. And they layoff. And, even when they offer “retraining,” they can take away the respect from a senior worker, they can make the new job so menial, they can make the company into Just Another Business so that there is no reason to stick around.

And so, Thursday, they even gave a Farewell Lunch to the long-timers going away, along with plaques and presents and a severance package complete with pre-written Letters of Recommendation that are so generically attractive that you almost overlook the fact that it says virtually nothing about the person except for the length of employment. Rosa. Fred. Joybal. Brenda. Carmenita. Who are you?

Buzz couldn’t attend the Farewell Lunch. He walked down on the floor that morning and said his good-byes and left to the doctor, his stomach aching, to avoid having to smile at the Last Day.

But a cruel trick was played on them all. The Last Day wasn’t the last day – it was just the last working day: everyone had to come back on Friday to sign off on their “voluntary termination” packages. Every ten minutes someone new showed up, trooping past Buzz’s office on their way to and from Human Resources. Where’s the Human dealing with these “Resources”? Already young minimum-wage workers are filling out application forms at the same long-desk window where the departees have to stand. Can we make the humiliation more pointed? Marcella, who was beautiful and thin when she came here 30 years ago, stands next to teenagers with glinting eyes of hoped-for employment and no illusions about any sort of loyalty to-or-from this company. Her knuckles crack a little as she holds the unfamiliar pen: Marcella can move product through the machine faster than the automated arm replacing her, but her fingers never had to memorize multi-signature forms. Ah, well, those muscle memories don’t matter now. With 17 years to go before qualifying for Social Security (if they don’t raise the age minimum), Marcella will have plenty of opportunity to learn new semi-skilled, repetitive tasks (if the jobs don’t move offshore). That’s why she immigrated to America in the first place: for the opportunities. Oh, darn, forgot! Marcella was born here. She’s just brown because… she is.

And, coming back from her awkward moments at HR and the thick envelope of papers they gave her, Marcella stopped at Buzz’s office to say good-bye again. Just like Sandy did a few minutes earlier, and Isa will in a few minutes. And Buzz rises from his seat while asking her to sit down, as he has always shown courtesy, and talks about Marcella’s two sons, three daughters and five grandchildren now, all growing so fast!, and the changing prices of housing, all so high now thank you Buzz for helping us buy it back when prices made sense, and she suddenly understands that everything she has known outside the home is over, dead, and even though it was “her” choice Marcella has second thoughts – but it’s too late now. Isa shows up at the door and Marcella leaves – she and Isa aren’t good friends but they hug, this is the last time they will ever see one another – and then Marcella hugs Buzz and leaves, while Buzz and Isa lean against the walls and talk in that old familiar way they fell into back 20 years ago when they worked three straight 18 hour days to deliver a last-minute order that helped the company meet its factor-required payment deadline.

And when Isa left, there was a break. Lunchtime, HR has closed its window, no more processing for an hour. And Buzz has closed his door, turned his back on the window to work on his PC – weekly Veep reports are due by day’s end – and in the glint of the fluorescent overhead light, tears glint down the profile of his chin.

I am proud to work for Buzz. And I damn the bastards who are making him cry.

As Expected: Bad News Doesn't Smile

2006-04-07T06:25:00.000-07:00

So the downcast heads and evasive eyes of yesterday morning had their payoff in the afternoon. Bad news.

Deja vu? No. Just what was expected. More layoffs. We're not losing money, just not making "enough" profit.

Enough for what? "Enough profit margin to compete with 'the future'."

So many words in quotation marks. Must do so, though, to be honest: could not have thought of those words, that reasoning, myself.

Something's Happening Not Good

2006-04-06T11:22:00.000-07:00

Something's happening today, something not good.

No words, no announcement, just a feeling.

Almost noon and the day still seems tentative.

President absent, Veeps looking around uncomfortably, mid-managers' heads buried in paperwork.

Rumors, of course - lots - but if you live by rumors we have been: bought out, sold, laid off, closed down, the President (Co., not U.S.) resigned, the President (Co., not U.S.) has been indicted, the Co. has been indicted, or the Owner has died. Plus more variations. No "good" rumors (beyond "We're safe - I think"), which is fairly par for the course: bosses don't look like pre-root canal patients when they're happy campers.

A strange electricity in the air and the skin feels tingly. Either mass paranoia, a flu epidemic has hit, or there's bad news a-comin'.

Significant Sampling

2006-04-05T15:42:00.000-07:00

Meeting notes:

Based on our present knowledge of the project today, we anticipate . . .
(OK, Dan, we have a lead-in, but what are the actual facts?)

Per Barry C: "Systems Solution" = Future
(and the "solution" is . . . ?)

MBO = Management By Objective
Define the project
Commit to it
(Die for it?)

Dan C - no interruptions
DC = pain

Problem-Solving The Procedures System: Philosophy

2006-04-04T06:05:00.000-07:00

'Sorry, folks, t'ain't all fun.

A serious philosophy:

A well-functioning system relies on three cornerstones: Will, Compliance and Understanding. From the top – down.

Without the will for the system to work, especially from the top, even the best system will stutter or fail.

The best intentions and will are worth nothing without actual compliance with the system’s requirements: you have to do it.

If the system is not understood, its requirements will not be effectively defined; its procedures run the risk of becoming meaningless bureaucracy.

Problem-Solving the Procedures System: Introduction

2006-04-03T06:24:00.000-07:00

Everyone approaches problem-solving from a particular point-of-view. This is mine:

I am lazy – I hate doing unnecessary work, especially when it is a duplication of someone else’s work.

I am egotistical – I like to think that what I do will contribute to the company and loath work that will never be used except to take up space.

I like to teach – I hate teaching subjects that are ignored.

So that's why this analysis was made and the report was written.

That, plus the fact that I was assigned to do a report and this is what came out.

Reviewing The System

2006-04-02T06:14:00.000-07:00

'Supposed to write, this quarter, a proposal for "streamlining" the department procedures. Meat-and-potatoes assignment: look at a couple of the ones written by people long gone from here (so we don't step on toes) then suggest how to revise them or combine a couple. Basically, decide on my assignment for the next quarter.

I think I made a mistake, tho'. Instead of patching up a couple of holes in the fabric, I decided to step back and look at the whole material. BIG mistake. More patches than anything else.

So now we've gone and made a damn proposal. NO WAY is this getting approved for Q2 - if ever. And I probably stepped on a few too many turfs, no matter how diplomatic I tried to make it. Trouble.

Or, if the rule works ("If you write it, it will not be read."), no one will ever know it exists. We'll see . . .

4/1

2006-04-01T06:13:00.000-08:00

Awright, what can I really add today? I'll leave it to the pros.

Yesterday Marilyn

2006-03-31T15:15:00.000-08:00

Marilyn, admin assistant for both the CEO and his new right-hand President, is retiring. We had our "traditional" cake party today in her honor, when everyone gathers in a large conference room and stands around awkwardly for 30 minutes or so. Because I'm taking over some of her job, I needed to say a few things...

I would like to start out by saying how hurt and jealous I am: the most attractive woman in the company is going away and I have no one to sing my lame “Good Mornings” to with the same daily hope that she will rush out of her cubicle and, like the beautiful Lauren Bacall she reminds me of, whisk me off to a wild romantic adventure. Sorry, other admins, but you’re married. And Marilyn, as we all know, can handle difficult men – so while I’m a shy, quiet type, I know that she would make up for all that.

Sigh… so much for my fantasies about Marilyn.

A lot of you don’t know that Marilyn, always elegant and classy Marilyn, started off her career as a stevedore and trucker mama. This gave her the perfect training for coming here to work for our CEO, who in his prime was considered somewhat of a strong personality. Now, of course, everyone thinks of him as the cuddle bear of corporation, but when Marilyn came he was known to breathe fire and, occasionally, eat an administrative assistant for lunch, washing it down with an engineer or accountant.

Seriously, the CEO's exacting standards – then and now – met their match with Marilyn who, at least in my personal experience, set a high standard of support performance for the company executives that I’ve had a hard time matching up to the halfway mark.

Damn you, Marilyn, couldn’t you have been a little more snappish, incompetent and sloppy?

You had the perfect chance when the new President came – but Nooo, you had to go and adapt to his style and create a working relationship that, well, for lack of a better way of putting it, works too well.

So now you’re going off and retiring. Well, don’t think we’re going to forget you. Wherever you travel, there will be a little bitty tiny GPS tag in your belongings and we will know, yes, we – will – know, exactly where you are: in our hearts.

And now, because it is important for me to embarrass you and myself with something sentimental, you will have to imagine that there is a full orchestra playing the Beatles’ “Yesterday” behind me - Can everyone hum? – as I sing:

(Well, of course 45 people stood there like mutes, but I soldiered on anyway.)

Yesterday
All my files were lost and gone astray
Then you showed me where to put them away
Thanks to you
I wasn’t fired
Yesterday

Suddenly
The CEO is not as mad as he seemed to be
And with you he acts so reasonably
Now he belongs,
Sadly, to me.

Our new President came
And you made
Him feel
At home.
There’s no one with the same
Patience you have
And now
You’re gone gone gone gone.

Marilyn
If you go away it is a sin
What a lonely state you’ll leave us in
Oh I will miss you
Marilyn -

We all
Will miss
You
Marilyn...

(Everyone sang the last word with me. Sometimes things work out nice. )

(Sorry to be sentimental today: I'll miss Marilyn.)

Passing By

2006-03-30T07:03:00.000-08:00

Thursday. Week almost gone. And it feels like I've missed it. This is it? Week almost gone. Not time passing, time empty.

Time empty.

Time-

Almost Friday, though.

Blinded By the Slight

2006-03-29T15:16:00.000-08:00

Hank Gerber writes this Note to The Cube . . .

Why oh why do I let it happen?

Here I am, working hard on this hand-me-down project: refining, defining, formatting, fitting, making it look feel read right.

But it's wrong.

That's the bugger: the whole thing is wrong to begin with.

And, instead of being able to step back, take the time, take the long view, take corrective action, I am caught up in the details.

"The Devil is in the details," they say - but that's not the Devil's only crime: he makes you blind.

Blinded by the slight:
Caught up in minutia
And losing our sight.
Blinded by the slight -
Those form fitting fixers are pretty twisted tricksters
And, baby, you know what I mean:
I mean we don't know what we're doin'
But what we're doin' is we're screwin'
The daylights out of anything with meaning!
Because we're
Blinded by the slight:
Caught up in minutia
And losing our sight.
Blinded by the slight

Sardonic Sal

2006-03-28T08:31:00.000-08:00

Sardonic Sal has never a word
For anything coming his way
That isn't a snide comment aside
Masking that he has nothing to say.

Yeah it's easy to joke, make a crack, deride,
Raise an eyebrow, shrug a shoulder, smile
To cover up the fact that Sal talks, never acts,
Hasn't added anything for a while.

Oh, he does his job: with a sigh and a nod:
Well, it's wrong but I'll do it your way.
Got an alternate plan, Sal? No way, man.
There's an emptiness in all you say.

Am I droning on? When Sal comes along
He'll point out how lame this is.
But not to me, no controversy:
Sal's strength is the backstabbing biz.

Now don't get me wrong, we get along,
In the meetings Sal's fun to have around.
It gets to me though, that he's never pro-
That he never gives a shit what goes down.

Now I said "backstabbing," but that's not true:
He doesn't care enough to do that.
No, his jibes are wide, just enough to hide
His general lack of substance and fact.

Still, Sal's been here for many many years
He'll be here long after I'm gone.
When you don't give a crap you stay on the map
Stars fall but the drones linger on.

Bottom-Line Bill

2006-03-27T05:40:00.000-08:00

Bottom-Line Bill's got a job to fulfill
And he does his job gung-ho.
As a Finance man,
He's the man with the plan,
The CFO who always says "No."
Not a penny for your thoughts,
Not a dollar if you holler,
Not a dime if you gimme the time.
Bill knows the expense
Of a misplaced cent
No one here's gonna get outta line.
So what if he dunno
'Bout how things go,
'Bout how the business runs?
He knows if it costs
It's gotta be tossed
Shot down with his veto gun.
And value doesn't matter
That's just idle chatter
A dollar is a dollar: that's that.
To Bottom-Line Bill
Gotta mind the till
What is written in the spreadsheet is fact.
Don't know what we do
Don't know what we sell
Don't know about future traction.
Bill's bottom line
Is don't spend a dime:
That's what he calls positive action.
So he makes a decision
With fiscal precision
Ignoring market facts.
Ignoring all things
With a high-priced ring
He gives 'em the Finance ax.
Now we may die slow
'Cause we can't grow
But Bill won't see the crime:
He's sure he's right
He'll always fight
To balance the bottom-line.

Line-Item Lucy: Form-Fitting Fanny's Sister

2006-03-26T05:40:00.000-08:00

Kyla writes her Notes From The Cube to answer Pierre Dolet's Notes from a couple of days ago . . .

Cher Pierre,

Yes, Form-Fitting Fanny - I know who you mean. She must have a large family, for her sister is sitting on our floor. Call her Line-Item Lucy.

We have been trying to reduce the forms in our office and, at the same time, make everything electronic as much as possible. Not line-Item Lucy.

Hitting the electronic first: Lucy seems to have a need to have a handwritten version of everything. This makes sense for drawings. And for stick-on notes.

(Hey, I'm not a fanatic - though I know one she-devil wiz who actually has formatted her printer to work with stick-ons. First she has to put them on a piece of letter-sized paper, then hand-feed... I will agree with Lucy here: "paperless" is not for everything.)

Line-Item Lucy has philosophical problems with electronic "masters." Somewhere, sometime, somehow she has gotten it into her head that

Handwritten = Authentic

and so, because Lucy is supervisor over 4 poor souls - and reviews the documentation of another 20 serfs of equal rank below her - Lucy's philosophy has the weight of Official Theology on the subject.

Thus, it cometh to passeth: Every form is handwritten for review by Line-Item Lucy - then, upon approval (with her handwritten initials), it is typed into an electronic table, never a spreadsheet.

(Lucy does not appreciate spreadsheets - traumatized, apparently, by the great rifts between Lotus, Excel, Quattro, and the dozens of local spreadsheet sects of the mid-1990s, when Lucy was just entering the workforce, fresh from college - so her underlings use a word processing program with tables formatted in.)

The newly-typed form is then re-checked by Lucy, whose handwritten redlines are then returned to sender for fixing.

It should be noted that Line-Item Lucy's forte is finding fault - with form: grammar, spelling, punctuation, capitalization. Content is not the issue, BUT, where there's smoke there's fire, and along the way content issues usually get taken care of, too. And the work coming out of her department looks so good!

As for Forms proper, Lucy is a "party girl": the more the merrier.

Right now, for instance, Line-Item Lucy is in the process of creating a process review checklist that is 5 pages long and has over 300 line items to be checked. This will be helpful for those actively involved in the process. A guideline. And, of course, now a requirement.

To be reviewed by Lucy.

Line-by-line.

Paranoia Succeeds

2006-03-25T08:28:00.000-08:00

Paranoia succeeds. How do you know? It goes like this:

Create an atmosphere where Buzz feels that everything he says or does is undermined by someone else. Buzz is on the Veep level, so that "everyone else" starts pretty high. Despite 27 years of experience and accomplishment, ignore him when he speaks - or leave him out of the loop entirely. Reduce his staff to a pitiful few. The point is simple: Retire, Buzz, and get out of our way. However, since he's not taking the hint, make him beside the point.

But, being competent, Buzz can still find useful things to do. Annoying, but OK: keep ignoring him and maybe he'll go away.

This is where paranoia works on your side, because no matter how competent and grounded Buzz is, he cannot help but notice what is happening.

So now comes a situation where those few remaining loyalistas underneath Buzz sometimes, as in the past, disagree with him. In the past, this was no big deal. In fact, it led to discussions, exchanges of ideas and often a synthesis of new, better ideas.

Now, though, dissenting thought from below is Betrayal if uttered aloud to anyone else.

"We have to present a united front," his voice mail message croaks electronically. "When you disagree with me . . ."

To his credit, Buzz is straightforward and confronts the person. Then, after the first few minutes of his angered hurt, when Buzz talks with the person it is back to old times and they are problem-solving, not accusing.

But the bad taste is left in the mouth. Buzz is now looking at everything they say or do with a worried expression on his face. And, from the best motives, Buzz's remaining subordinates worry about hurting Buzz's position. So they start to hold back their opinions. What was the strength of Buzz's management skills is eroding. Oh, it's subtle and slow and certainly not an overnight phenomenon, but it is eroding.

And the paranoia grows.

What a management tactic!

Form-Fitting Fanny

2006-03-24T08:07:00.000-08:00

Pierre Dolet writes his Notes from the Cube . . .

Fanny, if truth must be told, loves Forms.

Much like chocolate, cheesecake and the fourth macaroon in the box - all of which she insists "I really shouldn't be doing this" - Fanny is addicted to Forms.

Worse, she is a Form Pusher.

Worse Worse: Fanny is the equivalent of a Form Drug Lord, using her network of connections to push her seductive product onto an addiction-cowed public, from the upper class power brokers of executive management who can afford to "use" the product through their proxy secretaries without actually having to suffer its direct negative effects, to the plebs like moi reeling from its foul effects daily, hourly, minute by minute.

Oh, I know you, Fanny: no situation exists that cannot be corrupted by a Form. Is the process running smoothly? Create a form to record its progress. Does the email one-liner answer the question? Develop a form for the questions. Is it too simple? Complicate it with a form.

In this company, we have 498 employees. We have 504 forms.

And each form requires a work instruction to explain it.

And each work instruction requires training.

Merci, chere Fanny. Mercy.

When You're Trying

2006-03-23T17:22:00.000-08:00

When you're trying
But they're lying
And they're dying
With a sighing
Of loss
At the boss
Who's lost
Heart tossed
Lost cause
To do it right
Why fight

Why fight

Side Notes from The Cube Unrelated: Sat in a dark conference room at lunchtime with a bunch of co-cubes watching the '99 flick Office Space. There should be a special Academy Award for Office Space. It is... exactly right.

"Exactly right" is how it felt in that dark room, watching a DVD during lunch break, among the people on the screen transported to the seats we were sitting in. Hope. We laughed. A lot. 'Could only watch half the movie, but we finished the plot with our own afternoon. We were the last reel of that old classic Sullivan's Travels, complete with the prison and, of course, Mickey Mouse. Always Mickey Mouse. Yea-ah.

Too Competent No-No

2006-03-22T07:44:00.000-08:00

Don't appear too competent: you will get more work.

Counter-intuitive to advancement? No - because the type of work you'll have dumped on you will be the busywork of superiors who will receive the credit for your efforts and wouldn't think of sharing that credit with you because it will show up the fact that they couldn't do it. It will not be the planned assignment, not the "I think you are the person to handle this responsibility." Nope, it will just appear on your desk, outside of your normal workflow, with the briefest of notes describing when it's due.

Lucky you. Too competent.

Re-Write Rule

2006-03-21T06:07:00.000-08:00

A new variation on the maxim: "If you write it, it will not be read."

The new maxim goes: "If you have the power, make them re-write it."

Power. This means that you have to be high enough on the totem pole to "suggest," "request" or otherwise require others to do your bidding. Obviously, this is a given prerogative of the President & CEO, under whom all corporate beings exist. To the Vice Presidents kowtow the horde, too - though they have to play careful with other Veeps. Directors, managers, supervisors - each with descending levels of authority - and so on. It is a corporate pyramid hierarchy after all, not equal-vote democracy.

But Why-Oh-When would this power be exercised?

Easy. Back to maxim 1: When you haven't read the report in the first place.

BUT:

Somehow or other you find yourself in a meeting where the information contained in the report-you-haven't-read(-and-never-will) is a central part of the topic under scrutiny. Perhaps, even, it is somehow proven by some annoyingly efficient cubicle being that this report has been distributed more than once - to you! Perhaps maybe possibly it was discussed already and, because you have yet (an eternal, never-to-come yet) to crack the covers of that report.

Do not panic. Certainly do not show embarrassment at your failure to know the subject. Remember, not everyone has the talents of Sales Director Buck, who can talk for ten minutes on anything, whether or not he has a clue to the subject.

No, you are more subtle - and wise. That's the key: Look Wise. Do not make comments that will give away your ignorance. Instead, listen to the discussion for a moment or two, scribble some "meaningful" notes on the report cover or in the margins, then pick up on someone else's question of an issue by observing:

"What we need is a matrix to pull out this information. It's all too lumped together in here. Isolate the key points and prioritize them with a matrix."

The beauty of requesting a "matrix" is that nobody is 100% certain what a matrix is. Most people think of it as a spreadsheet - and, if there's no spreadsheet in the report(-you-have-no-intention-of-ever-reading) - then for your purposes a matrix is the spreadsheet they need to create.

Already a spreadsheet in there? Then:

"We need a matrix to rework the data - give it a graphic analysis."

What the hell does that mean? Who knows? A chart. A new spreadsheet with color? Time, time, time to delay talking about the subject now.

Let's be candid: this is poker. 50% of the people in that meeting are probably bluffing because, even if they've glanced through the report, they haven't read it for comprehension and, not so deeply in their hearts, they need someone to explain the report to them.

As for those who actually know the subject? Fine: let them feel superior for a moment or two - because, you know, that "superiority" will translate into: It's their responsibility. They'll end up doing it, sooner or later, while your mere attendance at this meeting and wise counsel will buy you a piece of the credit if it succeeds - or deniability if it goes bust.

It's a Win-Win for you, either way.

Upstairs-Downstairs

2006-03-20T09:17:00.000-08:00

Not a new observation, but the Floor-Office divide is growing wider.

Mainly apparent, last week, when the most recent round of layoffs hit the Floor - 42 in a day - while upstairs in the cubes we emerged unscathed. (Not counting two who left under their own steam for greener pastures.)

On the same day, we had the monthly all-company employees meeting. It was here that the divide showed up pretty obviously.

Office People: Laughing at all the President's jokes. Generally upbeat.

Production Floor: Quiet. Waiting to hear what happens next.

Office: Relieved. It's not us.

Floor: It's us.

Sunday Review

2006-03-19T14:24:00.000-08:00

Let's see, it's Sunday afternoon and I'm reading a report on scrap material, analyzing it, translating the analysis to a spreadsheet, and adding color to highlight key data critical to understanding the report.

Critical Analysis: Ask the key questions that will bring out the important points . . .

Question: Which color (besides red, which sends an alarm) will bring out the most important points?

Question: Should it be in landscape or portrait layout?

Question: Should it be simplified for the VPs?

Question: Why is a cubicle worker making this analysis when it should be someone with responsibility for the tasks being analyzed?

Question: Will anybody double-check the analysis - or just the presentation format?

Question: Why did I agree to a salaried position, no overtime, when I used to be hourly?

Question: This isn't even in my job description - I could just give the spreadsheet uninterpreted - so why am I doing it?

Question: On a Sunday?

The Squeeze 3

2006-03-18T06:55:00.000-08:00

Robbing From Peter to Pay Paul.

'Used to be a Marketing only phenomena, limited only to paper credit. End-of-year comes, book-in the January orders for the "How We Performed" presentation to make the year look better than it was. 'Not really lying, since the numbers didn't translate into Accounting practice. And it was all in-house stroking, marking out your turf, and - in some ways - sort of "reality": the last two weeks of December and the first week of January, no one was really working, Anywhere (obviously we're not in retail). Certainly shipping was clogged up by Christmas commerce (we're not seasonal, either). You could sort of, maybe, wink-wink, pretend that these booked orders represented What We Did This Year.

Now it's expanded to Profit-Sharing reality.

On a quarterly basis.

We have an employee Profit-Sharing Plan, in place for over 25 years. We have a new Executive Management Team, on board for almost 3 years. The Execs quickly understood the benefits of Profit-Sharing, albeit in a Plan revised to have "weighted" participation (read: the higher you are, the more you get). This was a much better plan than those that tie Exec Bonuses to any particular target goals: with our plan, all the company has to do is make a gross profit to get a share.

But this is real money, not paper puffery, so when the first quarter of the new regime rolled around and the profits were not so nifty, a few of the newbies squawked to the new Prez: "But you promised..."

To give him his credit, he held out for a year or two. And then one of the Super Executive Plans accidentally tied up shipments for 3 weeks (one has to assume that they didn't want to have shipments come to a standstill).

This was going to be a hell of a bad quarter. To say that we had "profits" was akin to saying that the sun shines on the North Pole in December. Yeah, there's a hint of hopeful light around the edges, but really . . .

A bit of a Squeeze.

Well, honestly, we did have hopeful light! All of those June orders that didn't go out the door would boogie down the highways in July along with the regular July flow. Yes! YES! So, let's just book those orders-not-shipped as Profit and Participate in it. YES! (Ummm, and ignore the fact that the Super Exec Plan had laid off a warehouse shift and there was nobody around to step up the pass-through.)

History becomes the present. That was last June. By end-of-quarter September, we needed to book-in October to make the Profit-Sharing Plan for Q3. Then in December, the year-end wasn't quite going to make it, so January (and a wee bit of February). . . . Now, in March, we need to book-in April, plus a dash or two of May. . . .

The Squeeze.

The Squeeze 2

2006-03-17T06:28:00.000-08:00

To keep out unions, this company has an employee profit-sharing plan: "We are all owners."

It's a good plan, actually, despite its cynically-derived origins back in the 1970s when everyone was afraid of a La Raza-type organization of ethnic workers who have always made up the majority of the production floor here. (Hazy memories on exact dates, since no one is around who was there back then.) The plan is good because the company was small enough for the longest time that it was more of an extended family than an Us-Them division of labor. Yeah, there were family squabbles, but everyone was babysitting every else's kid, too. Literally. First name basis, bottom-up, top-down. Couple of idiot children, a couple of enfants terrible, quite a few raised-by-merit bastards. Democratic in its own rough tumble way. So when the employee profit-sharing plan began, and began to flourish after years of the company languishing in a hole, it was a just reward to everyone for pulling together.

Now we're sorta big, though. Not multi-national big, not even a couple of thousand big, but a healthy high hundreds number nevertheless. The Originals are almost all gone, at every level. But the profit sharing plan continues - because the Corporates in charge now revised the plan slightly to change across-the-board sharing into a "graduated merit" plan.

Read: The higher you are, the more you get.

OK, so it's Real World now. It's still a good plan, as these things go. Quarterly, plus an annual dividend, and it gives us an incentive not to make major screw-ups that cause the plan to shrink. (Major screw-up #1: Send out a $100,000 order to the wrong side of the country: lose the order AND lose the client. It has happened.)

But - with the Real World realities come some Real world hypocrisies. We've got a plan without the participation anymore. Never more apparent than yesterday, when 49 people were laid off - including one with 27 years' service - while the Prez gave a speech about how "We have to protect the profit sharing for those who are still here." Yep, we are running tight these days, caught in The Squeeze: 'just not discussing options in a "share" mode -- like unions might have demanded.

Like the old Guns and Roses song used to ask in a basso profundo whisper while Axel Rose squealed his falsetto:
Where do we go from here?
Where do we go?
Where do we go?
Where do we go from here?

The Squeeze

2006-03-16T20:42:00.000-08:00

What Andy over on the production side of the floor seems to be saying is this:

"If they want to have the product out the door without taking the time to develop it, they gotta expect the process to be held together by chewing gum."

This sort of echoes Tahir's worries as an engineer:

"They're selling new products before we finish making them."

Andy and Tahir are caught in The Squeeze. The Company is running short on cash, has cut down on support personnel, needs sales, needs new product - and hasn't got the time to do it right.

So they're doing it wrong - hoping that the Quality Control odds fall in their favor and the regulatory auditors don't come knocking on our particular direction.

Up & Down

2006-03-15T20:19:00.000-08:00

Wellllllll, Don done did it wrong.

Y'see, Don's competent.

In a world of InC's, Don's the man to turn to. Consequently, everyone UP and below - send their crap to Don to handle.

Smart move for them.

Sad for Don.

Don done did it wrong.

Where Were You Yesterday?

2006-03-14T06:28:00.000-08:00

A true conference call. Only the VP's name has been deleted to protect the... innocent?

"I called yesterday. Where were you?"

"Here."

"But I called. You didn't answer."

"I was here. I didn't get your call."

"But I called."

"I was here."

"Did you read my email?"

"I didn't get it."

"But I sent it."

"It must be lost in the netherworld of our network."

"I'll send it again."

Billable Hours: Teleconference

2006-03-13T11:30:00.000-08:00

Memorandum
TO: Finance
FROM: Pierre Dolet
RE: Proposed Statistical Analysis

In keeping with this year's "Lean & Mean Time" cost efficiencies goal, we have assembled this proposed table for gauging the effectiveness of outside services. As a test case on how recorded input will read out, we have monitored the first 1/2 day of executive teleconferences with attorneys, consultants and other billable staff. [Note that, in Q1, teleconferences have been substituted for face-to-face conferences, per "Lean & Mean," to cut down on billable travel time.]

Scheduled: TeleConference with Corporate Attorney A to review proposed licensing agreement."

Attorney A: "Good morning."
VP1: "Morning. How was your weekend?"
Discussion of weekend activities.
Attorney A: "What do you think of the proposal so far?"
VP 1: "We'll have to re-schedule till after I have time to go over it."

Billable hours: 0.25 hours minimum
Cost per hour: $400
Cost of call: $100
Accomplished: 0

Scheduled: Teleconference with Consultant C1 in New York, Consultant C2 in Toronto and Consultant C3 in Topeka.

VP2: "Morning, Mike."
C1: "Hi, Bill."
VP2: "Morning, Jim.
C2: "Good Morning, Bill. Hi, Mike."
C1: "Hi, Jim."
VP2: "Tom, you there?"
C3: "I'm on."
VP2: "Good morning."
C3: "Morning, Bill. Mike. Jim.
C2: "Hi, Tom."
C1: "Hi, Jim."
C3: "I'm Tom."
C1: "Hi, Tom. Bill, you still there?"
VP2: "I'm still here."
C2: "Are we still on track?"
VP2: "Tracking."
C3: "Tracked."
C1: "On the mark."
VP2: "Good. Jim, what do you think about that? Jim? Jim?"
C1: "I think we lost him."
C3: "I'm on my cell and about to go through a tunnel. You may lo-"
VP2: "Mike, you wanna hold?"
C1: "Actually, I have to get back to the lab."
VP2: "OK, no problem - we're on track. I'll coordinate the next meeting. Keep up the good work."
C1: "Bye."
VP2: "S'long."
C2: "Hello-? Hello-? I'm back. What-"

Billable hours: 0.5 hours minimum
Cost per hour: $170 per consultant
Cost of call: $255
Accomplished: ---

Outsourced Customer Service

2006-03-12T08:48:00.000-08:00

A Letter from The Cube to Management

If you think you are providing customer service by outsourcing to India, you are mistaken.

It is not their fault, over there in India: they cannot think like we do, they cannot understand the nuances of our culture. Just like we have the same handicap in the other direction. Sure, there will be a few of us on either side who can learn and catch the nuances – but it’s difficult. All you have to do is look at how many 1st generation immigrants stay locked in the mindset of the “old country” and you will understand how intrinsically unfair and impossible it is to ask thousands of clericals in India to understand us over here when they answer the phone or instant-message technical help online.

They are patient, God bless ’em, they – are – patient. And polite. We are in the tag end of a five (yes, five!) hour online tech services exploration and I gave up before the anonymous Christina, David and, now, an unnamed supervisor could guide me to a resolution that solved the problem. I found it, finally, by figuring out where they were unable to understand the basic problem and worked backwards from their over-complications.

“Understand.” Words are only a part of understanding. Then there is the between-the-lines level of syntax, logic and shared cultural experience that is the intuitive part of language. Politeness and patience are not resolution, they are methods for coping. Technical vocabulary is not equivalent to comprehension.

To put it in perspective: Years ago, when working with expatriates in the Middle East before the region turned violent, we found it necessary to convey technical information in drawings and photographs to our multicultural crew – all of whom spoke English. Body language became as important a part of communication as words. And we needed time - a short commodity in the customer service field. Time learn the cultural givens and assumptions that informed each person’s understanding of the English words we were speaking. Sometimes a few minutes. Sometimes a few hours. Sometimes. . . . it didn’t happen. To quote Kipling, whose “white man’s burden” assumed racism sometimes overshadows the logic of his experienced reasoning:
East is East and West is West
And never the twain shall meet.

Well, not entirely true. A couple of years ago, Sanjay in Tonawanda, New York, was my supposedly “anonymous” tech support guy on a recurring ISP/cable delivery problem. Oh, Sanjay was Indian all right – but he was also from New York – and within five minutes he cut through the bull to give me some advice that has literally saved me hours of downtime since then. (“Customer service will always tell you that the lines are being ‘temporarily repaired’. They don’t even have Status screens. Skip them & go straight to us.”)

But Sanjay was corrupted: he was American. Y’see, those of you who are outsourcing your Customer Service and Technical Support voices to India, it takes an American to understand an American’s needs. It takes an Indian to understand Indian needs. A Japanese. . . .

I wrote the majority of this while waiting for Christina and David to consult their supervisor on why a simple popup screen in my program did not respond with the same message that their version of the software did, thus blocking further progress. They did not understand that the message appearing was the equivalent of the message they wanted – which had been my elementary question in the first place – but by the time they were finished analyzing, offering solutions and guiding me through aborted re-programming routines, they had re-invented the wheel. I would like to say that this is the first time this has happened and that I am the only person it has happened to.

Yes, I am sure that Christina and David are cheaper to employ than their American counterparts Sanjay and Shagufta – but they aren’t providing customer service. They can’t.

It MUST on Saturday

2006-03-11T10:36:00.000-08:00

It must rain or snow on Saturday. It must.

It must be miserable on that weekend you need comfort. It must.

There must be yardwork on Saturday. Or home repair. Or something long and boring and tedious and not... enjoyable.

Or -

The sun will shine. The day will be warm. Birds may even sing - after you have risen.

And you will have to go into work.

Because -

That's the way it MUST be on Saturday.

Customer "Care"

2006-03-10T10:30:00.000-08:00

Pierre Dolet here.

Yesterday I wrote my Notes from the Cube “from Customer Care in the Sales Dept.” Forgetting what I wrote – I was pissed off – I got to thinking about the “Care” in “Customer Care.”

You see, we used to be “Customer Service” – and before that “Sales Support.” We actually haven’t changed what we do, just the titles. We are warmer and friendlier, apparently. “Sales” is so, so– transactional. And “Support,” well, if you bought a product from us, it is so good that it stands on its own: it certainly doesn’t need to be propped up and supported.

But “Service,” you see, is about helping you. The product is GREAT – but you may need that extra service to help you use it to its full potential.

In fact, we care about you – we really do. Hence, we are now “Customer Care.” We are the warm and fuzzy face of the Sales team. There are no problems to be fixed, no complaints to be salved – only “issues” to be “resolved” and “misunderstandings” to be “explained in a user-friendly manner.”

Customer Care: We have been, you may notice, at a Team Seminar explaining our department’s name change. It has affected us immediately.

Beautiful music on the phone. A pleasant, soothing voice: “Good morning, this is Customer Care. Your concerns are our concerns – and we will be with you in a few moments to address your needs. As you wait, please enjoy our complimentary selection of musical highlights to fit your taste. Press one for Easy Listening, Two for Classical Standards, Three for . . .”

Negotiating Beyond The Limit

2006-03-09T10:27:00.000-08:00

Pierre Dolet writes his Notes from the Cube from Customer Care in the Sales Dept. . . .

Here’s an idea: when you’re getting something for nothing, don’t keep negotiating for a better deal.

It is amazing how customers, receiving a promotional bonus or discount or, simply, benefiting from an accounting error in their favor, then come back and push push PUSH for that ineffable, insatiable, unfulfillable “More.”

They won’t say “More”; they won’t admit to greed in wanting “More”; they may even feel cheated if they don’t get “More” – but they want it nevertheless, without reason, right, or justification. It must be a primal urge, like gorging oneself at the table long after the stomach has protested “Please, not one bite more: I’ll burst!” Once, back in the primeval ooze of human existence, the crayfish-that-became-a-man must have been starved for cash and . . .

More. Keep noodging, niggling, nudging, scratching, tapping, pressing, pissing me off with your neverending unworded whine for “More.”

More.

And I will not tell you this, because this is business, and the company wants your future business.

Yes: we, too, want “More.”

Do You Want It?

2006-03-08T10:18:00.000-08:00

Hank Gerber writes his Notes from the Cube . . .

“Do you want it, yes or no?” ‘Sounds like a simple enough question, yes? Try asking it at a meeting where there is apparently another agenda than the one printed in front of you – and you don’t know what that agenda is.

“Do you want it, yes or no?” Try asking it when you are simply the messenger and the persons who are supposed to answer you are decision-makers. “Persons” is purposely said: one-on-one, decision-makers are usually very verbally definitive to their subords – not so definite when it comes to putting that decision in writing – and positively discreet on their own opinion when sitting with a bunch of equal-ranked decision-makers and the issue isn’t open-and-shut.

“Another agenda.” Hell, it’s no “hidden agenda” conspiracy – it’s just the too-human fear of making a mistake in a situation where others are all-too-able to co-opt the credit and all-too-willing to let you take the blame for decision gone south.

But that’s what decision-makers are paid for, isn’t it?

Yep. And some even take the responsibility seriously. They’re the ones that used to work here.

Now, with the bland boys and marshmallow men in charge, a “decision” will become a fait accompli by momentum. One day it wasn’t, the next day it is. Or by osmosis: everyone will assume it was decided, questions of When and by Whom left unvoiced.

And no one has committed themselves to it.

Ask A Question & It Goes Round

2006-03-07T06:23:00.000-08:00

Forgot the primary rule of the Committee: no question is answered definitively.

Made that mistake yesterday by sending out a query prior to today's Committee meeting, soliciting answers to certain issues that were, according to last month's Committee Action Items, to be put to bed by today's event.

Barring the other standard rule - If It's Written It Will Not Be Read - in which 50% of the Committee members have yet to acknowledge that they received yesterday's query or are aware of last month's Action Item list, the response from those who did respond is impressive: out of seven answers, not one actually says Yes or No or I Think It Should Be.

2 restate the query - as if by repeating it they have answered.

1 questions the validity of the issue.

1 questions the need for the query: "We'll discuss it at tomorrow's meeting."

2 note that they are "researching the issue."

and

1 says "I agree with my colleagues on the Committee."

Wait For the Day

2006-03-06T06:22:00.000-08:00

Monday morning before going to work:
Wait for the day.
Wait for the day.
This is not poetry, it's how you feel:
Anticipation at play.
Wait for the day.
Not dread, not fear, not pleasure, not fun:
Unformed like clay.
Wait for the day.
Old troubles seem smaller. Old problems, who cares?
Be cool, you say.
Wait for the day.
New day new week new chance new way
Wait for the day.
Wait for the day.

It's a long ride there.
Wait for the day.

Change the same. Same is changed.
Day the wait for
The day.

Wait.

No -
Here.

The.
Day.

Across the World Bitching

2006-03-05T11:51:00.000-08:00

Yeah, of course it's discouraged, but we're gonna do it anyway.

Thanks to the comfort, speed and beauty of email, cubicle workers around the world share their complaints and observations (usually wry, sarcastic, comic) in rapid-fire succession. Not spam, but the one-to-one pass-on of shared experience. Often self-directed. Sometimes semi-scatological. Usually true in that strike-home sense that doesn't allow argument (and certainly can't be said aloud in management-employee meetings).

There may be profound differences between our world politics, cultures and religions - but we are one in our cubes

Sometimes It's Fun

2006-03-04T11:47:00.000-08:00

Great experience yesterday. Started a task, dived into it - and looked up to find it was four hours later. Sometimes it's fun to feel like a craftsman working your job, absorbed into its details to the exclusion of all other concerns.

Note to Self: Probably family and less enthused co-workers may not agree.

When You Know VPs Know Zip

2006-03-03T10:07:00.000-08:00

Soooo.... A follow-up to yesterday's Veep meeting with the company dangling out the semi-"promised" Big Order.....

Several commitments were made yesterday by our Veeps, especially ones related to an accelerated development/delivery schedule.

In phone conferences today the Veeps elaborated those commitments to the other company - and among one another.

So far, by the end of workday today (Friday), no one has bothered to tell the developers and production people responsible for delivering those commitments - at least one of whom goes for a three week vacation starting tomorrow. The Veeps for those divisions, meanwhile, are in Europe next week. The President wasn't here this week, so who knows what he knows.

Does anyone in charge know how this company makes its products?

When You Know You're Not In Sales

2006-03-02T05:56:00.000-08:00

Was invited to a meeting yesterday by accident. ("Accident": no one had confirmed and they needed to fill some seats for a meet-and-greet with some visiting VIPs. As it happened, everyone invited showed up to an SRO crowd, but I was already seated next to a VIP so I had an unnaturally "central" position that could not be vacated without awkward embarrassment to the company.)

The meeting was supposed to be a Getting To Re-Know You with a company that had been very small three years ago and was competing at that time to be one of our vendors. Since then, it was bought by a medium-big company that could eat us for lunch. (We're a little too big, they're a little too small, for their 'breakfast" menu.) So, the point: now they have $$$ and want us to be their vendor.

I have to say that they were cruel and victorious in a quiet, almost dull way. It wasn't their fault that our Veeps and Directors practically threw the company at their feet with an Anything For You, Sir abasement. Still, "quiet" and "dull" do not change the little knife jabs that they gleefully twisted around as they basically had our people jumping through hoops at the intimation that they would "consider thinking about it."

This is where I know I could not, would not, should not no never not be in Sales.

I know that our Veeps probably did what was necessary. Certainly no one shook with that excited frenzy you sometimes find with commission-poor auto salesmen on a Sunday evening. But, by the same token, they did practically tremble with anticipation of a "relationship" with a company that they had virtually dismissed only 36 months before.

Y'see, I could understand confidentially saying "OK, let's see what we can do for you" - but it never was said - or said like that.

Instead, starting from a position of faux "cool" (and it was transparently faux because the they were all nervously half-smiling at the prospect of the aforesaid intimation of a possibly considered large volume relationship), from the start they essentially abandoned every standard and guideline they had printed in the company materials. I don't think they we're even paying attention when they agreed to structural changes in a design that would have cost more to implement than the entire intimated order was worth. But not only did they agree - they began to suggest more costly alterations.

To which the other side, seeing which direction the wind was blowing, began to add increasingly arbitrary "requirements" in dialogues like:

"I don't see X in the current model. Do you think you could -"

"Not only can we X it, we'll add a YZ."

"Well, show us some prototypes and we'll see."

"No problem."

(Never mind that the current design was arrived at after 18 months of field study and design work - and that prototypes require 75% of the work it takes to get to a finished product - and this is on a "We'll see" request.)

In the end, for a "possible" order smaller than our current market average - with no money down and no further commitment - we are now committed to an accelerated development schedule on product variations that no one else has wanted, ever.

And our Veeps are happy. The halls were alive with positive vibes yesterday afternoon. No one seems to notice what they have done: everything for hope of The Sale.

This is when I know I am not made for Sales.

Conflict Management: Solutions

2006-03-01T06:22:00.000-08:00

Hank Gerber writes his Notes from the Cube . . .

Ideas that came out from a seminar on "Conflict Management."

Amid all of the seminar-endorsed approaches and the hours-long discussions of how we can manage/control/diffuse conflict, the following ideas were developed by the working groups we were broken in to. (Note: not necessarily endorsed by the seminar leader.):

Fake it until you make it. (i.e., When the conflict is management-origined, plan on getting out of there ASAP on your own terms - a better, or at least comparable, job elsewhere. Not, as it turns out, an uncommon situation. This idea actually was endorsed by the the seminar leader, a smart cookie.)

Grow up and live with it. (Mainly men - but also a lot of women 40 and over who know who they are.)

Grow up, blow up, and forget it once it's past. (Variation on the above. A lot of people, actually, seem to understand that sometimes venting is "natural." No one from the HR departments endorsed this approach, though.)

Is it "conflict" if you are from New York? (A regional observation. Variations included: "I'm Italian and you think this is a loud voice? I'm Jewish and you think... Etc.)

Ex-Lax. (Don't ask.)

A sledgehammer to the head. (My suggestion about a co-worker of one group who had screwed up to the tune of $50K and $30K each year past - but who, every 3-4 weeks, started interminable arguments insisting he was right. They had come to the conclusion to fire the guy, but I am too kind-hearted and pointed out it would hurt his feelings. The sledgehammer, meanwhile.... You have to understand that, from the way they described the guy, he seems to be indestructible.)

Haiku: Cruel Wet Sun

2006-02-28T05:37:00.000-08:00

Still rain
Long drive
Meeting
Picture window
Sun shines
Distant
Dry
Taunt

Haiku: Productivity All Wet

2006-02-27T05:34:00.000-08:00

Rain
Twelve hour work day
Four hours in car
Productivity
Weeps

A Dream - or A Strategy?

2006-02-26T07:12:00.000-08:00

Saturday night to Sunday morning: had 7 dreams last night - all were about work. Exciting. Filing in one dream. Two dreams had meetings. A couple went by just like the days do: forgettable. Only the last dream . . .

Ah, the last dream: we were planning a hit. We made the plan, revised it, sent it for review, revised it again - and got Approval. And then I woke up.

I have no idea who we we were planning to kill - obviously it had management's OK, so it wasn't a private grudge - and I can't even remember How we planned/re-planned/re-re-planned to do it. But what really impressed me - and what I really, really, REALLY want to remember is: What in the heck did we write to get Quality's approval?

Dog-gone it! We had Quality sign-off on the plan! Whatever else I do today, I am going to try to remember the wording of whatever murder plan I wrote that was so persuasive that I could get a QA OK. That-

That just doesn't happen everyday.

The Form 3: A Testimony

2006-02-25T06:42:00.000-08:00

From Kyra, a truthful testimony to the power of the Form . . .

She met me, my supervisor, in the corridor. Her eyes were troubled.

"The bug report," she said.

"The bug report," I echoed. "Yes, I do it weekly."

"Yes."

"Yes?"

"It- it needs a form."

I thought a second before answering: "But it is automatically generated by the software."

"Yes, but we need to standardize it in a form."

"It is standardized - by the software."

"But not in a form." Her eye lit up with those orbs of a True Believer. "We need a company logo," she explained, "and our department identified and, and- we can put it on a spreadsheet with double-edged borders, which will make it look professional." She was breathing heavily now, panting with excitement. "We can print it out and distribute it. And of course save it electronically- Do we need a new directory? A new directory! I'll go talk to I.T. right now to set us up with a new directory that only you and me will have Write access to - but everyone else can Read!"

She rushed off down the hall, calling back her encouragement: "A Form! Make the Form!"

The only person who uses the bug report is me.

The Form 2: A Prayer

2006-02-24T06:31:00.000-08:00

Our Form
Stacked on the top shelf
How is it you are filled out?
Your first line's blank,
Your second line's black:
Does it mean that we skip to the third?
Give us the input to fill in these blanks
And allow us to skip to Line 10
As we have skipped Lines 5, 6, and 7.
And allow us to fudge the facts we don't know
But consider this complete anyway.
For you are the paper that needs to be filled out
Today and Tomorrow
Form Without End
Amen.

The Form 1: Belief

2006-02-23T06:17:00.000-08:00

It ain't the Form,
It's the Function.

That's the theory. You could just as well add:

That's not a Fact,
It's a Fiction.

Yes, you can, when you look at how many people fetishize The Form. Love, hate, fear, formulate, dread and masticate: we loves to make our Forms into the End All and Be All of the workflow.

The Form is a very religious experience: It Always Was This Way and It Always Will Be. To this eternal existence we have created our rituals of worship.

Like all rituals, we have scant knowledge of that unknown past when The Form was originally created - by Whom and for What reason? Like all good and enduring rituals, we perpetuate our Forms, create new ones constantly in tribute to the enduring, primal Form.

Is this new creation re-invention? An examination of the Function underlying The Form? No such heresies: we are updating the logo, changing the typestyle to make it more modern, but the underling Belief remains unchanged -- this is The Form, we shall not challenge its existence.

Ode: Meeting Minutes

2006-02-22T07:57:00.000-08:00

The message of the meeting is repeated in the minutes
A memorializing message of minutely managed moments
When quickly crafted questions are redactively reduced
To bolded Action Items that will never be pursued
And prickly problems points are pinioned to a footnote
At the bottom of a page that is fortunately forgotten
While decisions are detailed in deadly dull description
In a style that makes you wish they were never ever written
But it doesn't really matter and you shouldn't really care
What is written's never read and what happened never there
It's a fiction more than fact for the facts are best forgone
And these minutes now here end they have gone on far too long.

Status Meeting

2006-02-21T11:15:00.000-08:00

We had a department status meeting today.

Nothing new happened on a Policy/Company level, so there was nothing for our Manager to inform us about.

I was suspended last week, so nothing to report.

Two people were sick - unable to report.

Four people report to the two sick people, so they had to hold their reports till the sick people returned.

The other two people were laid off a month ago in this year's budget-cutting mandate.

The Department Status Meeting is held every Tuesday morning, 10-11 a.m. The suggestion was made at 9 a.m. that "Maybe we can cancel this week's meeting?" The suggestion was considered - and dismissed: "I have to report at the Manager's meeting tomorrow the status of my department as reported today."

I can't wait to read our meeting Minutes.

Medical Query

2006-02-20T06:21:00.000-08:00

Wonder if the stomach pains are any reflection of the work environment?

When out for a week on suspension: no pains.

Back to the cubicles: constant.

Reflection on Suspension

2006-02-19T08:50:00.000-08:00

So it's been a week since returned from suspension - and a day to rest - now to look back.

Amazing how nothing changes. One is back into the routine without much pause. It was like going on vacation: some work piled up, but for all the Sturm und Drang of the events leading to the suspension, everyone acts as if Nothing Happened.

Oh, sure, a few folks walk tenderly around this Cube. Certain orders, requests, and general knowledge memos are specifically routed to The Cube "through authorized channels." But nothing in the content has changed. And, by Friday, Dull Friday, everything was The Same.

It must be the leveling effect of Dull Friday - or Dull Week - or Dull People. They can't imagine Doing anything, so when something happens, they Don't.

Not much has changed since the feudal system, when the peasants could continue plowing while the wars went on around their fields. They'll only notice when their cubicles are raped.

Finished Friday

2006-02-18T08:40:00.000-08:00

Finished Friday with a yo-ho-ho and a long afternoon of tedium. Tough to do anything when 99% of everyone, from the bottom-up-top-down-sideways-and-back have mentally checked out. Did it, but with a sluggishness that says, "Yep, it's the middle of February."

Feb's not quite the same as July: no one's TGIFing or looking forward to the weekend. Nothing to go home for the weekend to. Some places there's snow, some places there's slush, some places there may be sunny skies (although the weatherman's says differently this weekend) - all places there are Christmas bills that came in January and have hit their deadlines now. Tight cash. But even without the tight cash, there's just the muffled thud of winter.

Slept in this morning, which was nice. Now to face the dull day of freedom.

Could be worse. Could be March.

Survival?

2006-02-17T06:08:00.000-08:00

Reading an article today about "surviving the office jungle" though alliances, training and strategy. No mention of going in and doing a good job for the sake of the craft.

They're probably right to think of it that way: survival. Most probably don't think of their jobs as a craft - at least not here in the cubes - and so there is plenty of mind-time to let the attention wander to things like Who's On Top?, How to Avoid Blame, and Which Way Outta Here That's Going Up?

Survival. Might as well go back to spear-chucking. Develop a few deft moves, learn how to dodge (claws, teeth, other spears), perfect your aim and - WHAM! - dinner for tonight. Certainly makes more sense than sitting in a 4 x 6, tapping at a keyboard, pretending to accomplish something, while keeping the ears tuned for intrigue, opportunity and danger.

When the layoff hammer falls, cubicle walls fall down in a row like dominos. Why think you control that? Stoic Existentialism, that's The Cube's motto this month. And if everyone is out to get everyone else - and "survival" has to be #1 priority on your mind - it's time, maybe, to enter a vocation instead of a job. I hear that firefighters stick by one another. In some professions, the "team" is real, not just a concept slogan.

Lost Between The Powers That Be

2006-02-16T05:58:00.000-08:00

Sadly. Sadly.

How do you handle a crisis when your immediate manager is scared?

She's a nice person, generally, but she is totally unprepared to handle those situations where the Powers That Be have different agendas - and we are caught in the middle.

You can see her fright. It's because her Rules are broken. In her world, you follow the company procedures without question. With-Out-Question. This may lead her down blind alleys and wandering meanderings through fruitless paperwork that she will prepare and no one will read, but it is What Is Required and What They Want.

But those Rules don't work right now. Our Veep is breaking them and an opposing Veep is challenging that breakage - and she has to choose sides: follow our Veep, protect his ass, and knowingly break the very Company Rules which are the only things she knows how to follow - or follow the Rules, expose the breakage, back up the other (correct) Veep, and be exposed to our Veep's enmity.

She is so scared, since she has never staked her workplace ethic on integrity before. She just wants to do her job, without making those kinds of decisions.

She is taking a vacation tomorrow, with plans to leave halfway through today on a "just remembered" medical appointment. Maybe it will blow over by Monday.

Disconnected

2006-02-15T06:58:00.000-08:00

One of the enjoyable things about being suspended is the "disconnect," as in: disconnected and denied all electronic access to the building, the network, and one's voice mail.

Apparently, someone has a How To manual that says all ex-employees are disgruntled and destructive. Apparently, also, the How To manual doesn't address suspended employees who may still need to work for the company and ignores the statistic that most destruction is accomplished by disgruntled current employees still on the job.

Oh, and the compact of trust - "Give me your word" - does not seem to apply anymore, either. Well, no surprise about that: the How To manual has no place in it for employee-management goodwill, only worst-case scenarios.

But, discarding honor and trust as elements in the workplace, there is still the matter of inconvenience to the company.

A few years ago, The Cube was in a company where 80% were laid off in a single hour - a bloodbath preceded by disconnecting everyone from the network. This earned The Cube a $100/hour consultantcy the next week when called in to reconstruct a $50K advertising poster that no one still there knew how to access.

After the recent suspension, fun fun, The Cube was "disconnected" from all company access. Now, since returning, The Cube has had much leisure time, since it is easier to disconnect than it is to reconnect the myriad accesses evolved over a 5 year period of employ. Every couple of hours we come to a standstill as we discover yet another access that bars performance of the job.

And, of course, nothing is ever reinstated, reconnected, or re-passworded without a glitch. 3 hours Monday, 1 hour Tuesday, another 3 hours today. All with other employees waiting as well.

It was a good How To book, one that knows a lot about the dark side of human nature and beans about the better part of people and how things work in the cubicles.

Irony Does Live

2006-02-14T05:08:00.000-08:00

Ironic laugh: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!

Problem that got The Cube suspended for a week still exists. While the Cube was on enforced, unpaid "vacation," however, things happened . . . .

The Veep who didn't want to hear The Cube quoting the company's lawyer gathered fellow Veeps around (circling the wagons protectively) and they spent a week strategizing, came up with an action plan that totally blew The Cube's advice out of the water, and were all set to enact it ---

Then, fortunately, one meek little clerical forwarded a copy of their plan to the company lawyer. "I thought this was routine," she said honestly. (As it is, most times, except when Veeps are trying to be clever.)

The lawyer blew up!

"What do you think you are DOING?!?" he called in on a conference call almost immediately. "This will land you up the wazzoo in a lawsuit and it's exactly what I've been telling you you CAN'T do for the past two years!"

Hmmm.

So, as The Cube returns and is pointedly excluded from the next steps in working on this situation, the problem still exists, the fellow Veeps have all stepped back from it, disingenuously saying that "We were only offering our 2 cents worth, nothing concrete, it's yours to handle," and the original Veep has gone on a two week fact-finding tour of our offshore factories.

It is understood that there will be an Executive Policy meeting to review The Problem. Next month. Maybe the month after. Maybe The Problem will go away or, if it doesn't, maybe we can pretend it doesn't exist.

Back

2006-02-13T06:02:00.000-08:00

So it's back to the trenches after a week's suspension, wondering how the day will go. Dressed up fine - not too shabby, not too classy - looking fit. Feeling crappy: didn't sleep, 'know that the issues are still unresolved. 'Still can't decide whether to pretend nothing happened or face it head on.

Logistics problem: 'still have the same "duty" to perform that resulted in the suspension in the first place. Responsibility without Authority. Yep, back to the trenches.

They Don't Know What You Do 3

2006-02-12T06:39:00.000-08:00

Texas Slim writes his Notes from the Cube to Hank & Kyra . . .

Most scary (and let's be honest, it's no one's fault) is the fact that sometimes things are changing so fast that if you are not the one doing the job you can't know what it is anymore.

It doesn't matter the level: I used to work in Accounts Receivable, a Past Due deacon of detection. But the way they electronically work through those things now, there are analytical tools that would have made me redundant and leave me in the knowledge lurch right now for sure.

Move that up a notch: imagine I'm a Manager who doesn't believe in micro-management (a blessing) and has been out of the trenches a few years: how does he deal with his underlings when he knows that he doesn't know what the underlings actually do? It's a toughie.

The Cube responds . . .

I was going to stay out of this awhile, but I've got to correct Slim here: if the you have a manager who knows that he doesn't know about something, that's only a problem when he takes a defensive/aggressive attitude. If he's halfway intelligent and, being a non-micro-manager like you described, I'm assuming he is, he'll be smart enough to respect the situation. If he's not halfway intelligent - or insecure in some other way (and, really, how many of us are secure in our jobs these days?) - then you've got someone looking to blame things on: and it's always easiest to blame it on something no one understands.

But we're not even talking about "halfway intelligent" here: Hank and Kyra were talking about management not knowing that they don't know what you do. Or how you do it. They know results - usually results they want to see, not necessarily objectively - and they don't particularly care how those results were achieved.

Or maybe they care, but they still don't really know how it's done.

Or maybe they think they know how it's done, but they are off the mark. It's like with Sports, Movies and Politics: EVERYONE is an "expert" and absolutely certain that they know how it "should be." Yeah.

They don't really know what you do.