Yesterday Marilyn

Marilyn, admin assistant for both the CEO and his new right-hand President, is retiring. We had our "traditional" cake party today in her honor, when everyone gathers in a large conference room and stands around awkwardly for 30 minutes or so. Because I'm taking over some of her job, I needed to say a few things...

I would like to start out by saying how hurt and jealous I am: the most attractive woman in the company is going away and I have no one to sing my lame “Good Mornings” to with the same daily hope that she will rush out of her cubicle and, like the beautiful Lauren Bacall she reminds me of, whisk me off to a wild romantic adventure. Sorry, other admins, but you’re married. And Marilyn, as we all know, can handle difficult men – so while I’m a shy, quiet type, I know that she would make up for all that.

Sigh… so much for my fantasies about Marilyn.

A lot of you don’t know that Marilyn, always elegant and classy Marilyn, started off her career as a stevedore and trucker mama. This gave her the perfect training for coming here to work for our CEO, who in his prime was considered somewhat of a strong personality. Now, of course, everyone thinks of him as the cuddle bear of corporation, but when Marilyn came he was known to breathe fire and, occasionally, eat an administrative assistant for lunch, washing it down with an engineer or accountant.

Seriously, the CEO's exacting standards – then and now – met their match with Marilyn who, at least in my personal experience, set a high standard of support performance for the company executives that I’ve had a hard time matching up to the halfway mark.

Damn you, Marilyn, couldn’t you have been a little more snappish, incompetent and sloppy?

You had the perfect chance when the new President came – but Nooo, you had to go and adapt to his style and create a working relationship that, well, for lack of a better way of putting it, works too well.

So now you’re going off and retiring. Well, don’t think we’re going to forget you. Wherever you travel, there will be a little bitty tiny GPS tag in your belongings and we will know, yes, we – will – know, exactly where you are: in our hearts.

And now, because it is important for me to embarrass you and myself with something sentimental, you will have to imagine that there is a full orchestra playing the Beatles’ “Yesterday” behind me - Can everyone hum? – as I sing:

(Well, of course 45 people stood there like mutes, but I soldiered on anyway.)

Yesterday
All my files were lost and gone astray
Then you showed me where to put them away
Thanks to you
I wasn’t fired
Yesterday

Suddenly
The CEO is not as mad as he seemed to be
And with you he acts so reasonably
Now he belongs,
Sadly, to me.

Our new President came
And you made
Him feel
At home.
There’s no one with the same
Patience you have
And now
You’re gone gone gone gone.

Marilyn
If you go away it is a sin
What a lonely state you’ll leave us in
Oh I will miss you
Marilyn -

We all
Will miss
You
Marilyn...

(Everyone sang the last word with me. Sometimes things work out nice. )

(Sorry to be sentimental today: I'll miss Marilyn.)

Passing By

Thursday. Week almost gone. And it feels like I've missed it. This is it? Week almost gone. Not time passing, time empty.

Time empty.

Time-

Almost Friday, though.

Blinded By the Slight

Hank Gerber writes this Note to The Cube . . .

Why oh why do I let it happen?

Here I am, working hard on this hand-me-down project: refining, defining, formatting, fitting, making it look feel read right.

But it's wrong.

That's the bugger: the whole thing is wrong to begin with.

And, instead of being able to step back, take the time, take the long view, take corrective action, I am caught up in the details.

"The Devil is in the details," they say - but that's not the Devil's only crime: he makes you blind.

Blinded by the slight:
Caught up in minutia
And losing our sight.
Blinded by the slight -
Those form fitting fixers are pretty twisted tricksters
And, baby, you know what I mean:
I mean we don't know what we're doin'
But what we're doin' is we're screwin'
The daylights out of anything with meaning!
Because we're
Blinded by the slight:
Caught up in minutia
And losing our sight.
Blinded by the slight

Sardonic Sal

Sardonic Sal has never a word
For anything coming his way
That isn't a snide comment aside
Masking that he has nothing to say.

Yeah it's easy to joke, make a crack, deride,
Raise an eyebrow, shrug a shoulder, smile
To cover up the fact that Sal talks, never acts,
Hasn't added anything for a while.

Oh, he does his job: with a sigh and a nod:
Well, it's wrong but I'll do it your way.
Got an alternate plan, Sal? No way, man.
There's an emptiness in all you say.

Am I droning on? When Sal comes along
He'll point out how lame this is.
But not to me, no controversy:
Sal's strength is the backstabbing biz.

Now don't get me wrong, we get along,
In the meetings Sal's fun to have around.
It gets to me though, that he's never pro-
That he never gives a shit what goes down.

Now I said "backstabbing," but that's not true:
He doesn't care enough to do that.
No, his jibes are wide, just enough to hide
His general lack of substance and fact.

Still, Sal's been here for many many years
He'll be here long after I'm gone.
When you don't give a crap you stay on the map
Stars fall but the drones linger on.

Bottom-Line Bill

Bottom-Line Bill's got a job to fulfill
And he does his job gung-ho.
As a Finance man,
He's the man with the plan,
The CFO who always says "No."
Not a penny for your thoughts,
Not a dollar if you holler,
Not a dime if you gimme the time.
Bill knows the expense
Of a misplaced cent
No one here's gonna get outta line.
So what if he dunno
'Bout how things go,
'Bout how the business runs?
He knows if it costs
It's gotta be tossed
Shot down with his veto gun.
And value doesn't matter
That's just idle chatter
A dollar is a dollar: that's that.
To Bottom-Line Bill
Gotta mind the till
What is written in the spreadsheet is fact.
Don't know what we do
Don't know what we sell
Don't know about future traction.
Bill's bottom line
Is don't spend a dime:
That's what he calls positive action.
So he makes a decision
With fiscal precision
Ignoring market facts.
Ignoring all things
With a high-priced ring
He gives 'em the Finance ax.
Now we may die slow
'Cause we can't grow
But Bill won't see the crime:
He's sure he's right
He'll always fight
To balance the bottom-line.

Line-Item Lucy: Form-Fitting Fanny's Sister

Kyla writes her Notes From The Cube to answer Pierre Dolet's Notes from a couple of days ago . . .

Cher Pierre,

Yes, Form-Fitting Fanny - I know who you mean. She must have a large family, for her sister is sitting on our floor. Call her Line-Item Lucy.

We have been trying to reduce the forms in our office and, at the same time, make everything electronic as much as possible. Not line-Item Lucy.

Hitting the electronic first: Lucy seems to have a need to have a handwritten version of everything. This makes sense for drawings. And for stick-on notes.

(Hey, I'm not a fanatic - though I know one she-devil wiz who actually has formatted her printer to work with stick-ons. First she has to put them on a piece of letter-sized paper, then hand-feed... I will agree with Lucy here: "paperless" is not for everything.)

Line-Item Lucy has philosophical problems with electronic "masters." Somewhere, sometime, somehow she has gotten it into her head that

Handwritten = Authentic

and so, because Lucy is supervisor over 4 poor souls - and reviews the documentation of another 20 serfs of equal rank below her - Lucy's philosophy has the weight of Official Theology on the subject.

Thus, it cometh to passeth: Every form is handwritten for review by Line-Item Lucy - then, upon approval (with her handwritten initials), it is typed into an electronic table, never a spreadsheet.

(Lucy does not appreciate spreadsheets - traumatized, apparently, by the great rifts between Lotus, Excel, Quattro, and the dozens of local spreadsheet sects of the mid-1990s, when Lucy was just entering the workforce, fresh from college - so her underlings use a word processing program with tables formatted in.)

The newly-typed form is then re-checked by Lucy, whose handwritten redlines are then returned to sender for fixing.

It should be noted that Line-Item Lucy's forte is finding fault - with form: grammar, spelling, punctuation, capitalization. Content is not the issue, BUT, where there's smoke there's fire, and along the way content issues usually get taken care of, too. And the work coming out of her department looks so good!

As for Forms proper, Lucy is a "party girl": the more the merrier.

Right now, for instance, Line-Item Lucy is in the process of creating a process review checklist that is 5 pages long and has over 300 line items to be checked. This will be helpful for those actively involved in the process. A guideline. And, of course, now a requirement.

To be reviewed by Lucy.

Line-by-line.

Paranoia Succeeds

Paranoia succeeds. How do you know? It goes like this:

Create an atmosphere where Buzz feels that everything he says or does is undermined by someone else. Buzz is on the Veep level, so that "everyone else" starts pretty high. Despite 27 years of experience and accomplishment, ignore him when he speaks - or leave him out of the loop entirely. Reduce his staff to a pitiful few. The point is simple: Retire, Buzz, and get out of our way. However, since he's not taking the hint, make him beside the point.

But, being competent, Buzz can still find useful things to do. Annoying, but OK: keep ignoring him and maybe he'll go away.

This is where paranoia works on your side, because no matter how competent and grounded Buzz is, he cannot help but notice what is happening.

So now comes a situation where those few remaining loyalistas underneath Buzz sometimes, as in the past, disagree with him. In the past, this was no big deal. In fact, it led to discussions, exchanges of ideas and often a synthesis of new, better ideas.

Now, though, dissenting thought from below is Betrayal if uttered aloud to anyone else.

"We have to present a united front," his voice mail message croaks electronically. "When you disagree with me . . ."

To his credit, Buzz is straightforward and confronts the person. Then, after the first few minutes of his angered hurt, when Buzz talks with the person it is back to old times and they are problem-solving, not accusing.

But the bad taste is left in the mouth. Buzz is now looking at everything they say or do with a worried expression on his face. And, from the best motives, Buzz's remaining subordinates worry about hurting Buzz's position. So they start to hold back their opinions. What was the strength of Buzz's management skills is eroding. Oh, it's subtle and slow and certainly not an overnight phenomenon, but it is eroding.

And the paranoia grows.

What a management tactic!

Form-Fitting Fanny

Pierre Dolet writes his Notes from the Cube . . .

Fanny, if truth must be told, loves Forms.

Much like chocolate, cheesecake and the fourth macaroon in the box - all of which she insists "I really shouldn't be doing this" - Fanny is addicted to Forms.

Worse, she is a Form Pusher.

Worse Worse: Fanny is the equivalent of a Form Drug Lord, using her network of connections to push her seductive product onto an addiction-cowed public, from the upper class power brokers of executive management who can afford to "use" the product through their proxy secretaries without actually having to suffer its direct negative effects, to the plebs like moi reeling from its foul effects daily, hourly, minute by minute.

Oh, I know you, Fanny: no situation exists that cannot be corrupted by a Form. Is the process running smoothly? Create a form to record its progress. Does the email one-liner answer the question? Develop a form for the questions. Is it too simple? Complicate it with a form.

In this company, we have 498 employees. We have 504 forms.

And each form requires a work instruction to explain it.

And each work instruction requires training.

Merci, chere Fanny. Mercy.

When You're Trying

When you're trying
But they're lying
And they're dying
With a sighing
Of loss
At the boss
Who's lost
Heart tossed
Lost cause
To do it right
Why fight

Why fight



Side Notes from The Cube Unrelated: Sat in a dark conference room at lunchtime with a bunch of co-cubes watching the '99 flick Office Space. There should be a special Academy Award for Office Space. It is... exactly right.

"Exactly right" is how it felt in that dark room, watching a DVD during lunch break, among the people on the screen transported to the seats we were sitting in. Hope. We laughed. A lot. 'Could only watch half the movie, but we finished the plot with our own afternoon. We were the last reel of that old classic Sullivan's Travels, complete with the prison and, of course, Mickey Mouse. Always Mickey Mouse. Yea-ah.

Too Competent No-No

Don't appear too competent: you will get more work.

Counter-intuitive to advancement? No - because the type of work you'll have dumped on you will be the busywork of superiors who will receive the credit for your efforts and wouldn't think of sharing that credit with you because it will show up the fact that they couldn't do it. It will not be the planned assignment, not the "I think you are the person to handle this responsibility." Nope, it will just appear on your desk, outside of your normal workflow, with the briefest of notes describing when it's due.

Lucky you. Too competent.

Re-Write Rule

A new variation on the maxim: "If you write it, it will not be read."

The new maxim goes: "If you have the power, make them re-write it."

Power. This means that you have to be high enough on the totem pole to "suggest," "request" or otherwise require others to do your bidding. Obviously, this is a given prerogative of the President & CEO, under whom all corporate beings exist. To the Vice Presidents kowtow the horde, too - though they have to play careful with other Veeps. Directors, managers, supervisors - each with descending levels of authority - and so on. It is a corporate pyramid hierarchy after all, not equal-vote democracy.

But Why-Oh-When would this power be exercised?

Easy. Back to maxim 1: When you haven't read the report in the first place.

BUT:

Somehow or other you find yourself in a meeting where the information contained in the report-you-haven't-read(-and-never-will) is a central part of the topic under scrutiny. Perhaps, even, it is somehow proven by some annoyingly efficient cubicle being that this report has been distributed more than once - to you! Perhaps maybe possibly it was discussed already and, because you have yet (an eternal, never-to-come yet) to crack the covers of that report.

Do not panic. Certainly do not show embarrassment at your failure to know the subject. Remember, not everyone has the talents of Sales Director Buck, who can talk for ten minutes on anything, whether or not he has a clue to the subject.

No, you are more subtle - and wise. That's the key: Look Wise. Do not make comments that will give away your ignorance. Instead, listen to the discussion for a moment or two, scribble some "meaningful" notes on the report cover or in the margins, then pick up on someone else's question of an issue by observing:

"What we need is a matrix to pull out this information. It's all too lumped together in here. Isolate the key points and prioritize them with a matrix."

The beauty of requesting a "matrix" is that nobody is 100% certain what a matrix is. Most people think of it as a spreadsheet - and, if there's no spreadsheet in the report(-you-have-no-intention-of-ever-reading) - then for your purposes a matrix is the spreadsheet they need to create.

Already a spreadsheet in there? Then:

"We need a matrix to rework the data - give it a graphic analysis."

What the hell does that mean? Who knows? A chart. A new spreadsheet with color? Time, time, time to delay talking about the subject now.

Let's be candid: this is poker. 50% of the people in that meeting are probably bluffing because, even if they've glanced through the report, they haven't read it for comprehension and, not so deeply in their hearts, they need someone to explain the report to them.

As for those who actually know the subject? Fine: let them feel superior for a moment or two - because, you know, that "superiority" will translate into: It's their responsibility. They'll end up doing it, sooner or later, while your mere attendance at this meeting and wise counsel will buy you a piece of the credit if it succeeds - or deniability if it goes bust.

It's a Win-Win for you, either way.

Upstairs-Downstairs

Not a new observation, but the Floor-Office divide is growing wider.

Mainly apparent, last week, when the most recent round of layoffs hit the Floor - 42 in a day - while upstairs in the cubes we emerged unscathed. (Not counting two who left under their own steam for greener pastures.)

On the same day, we had the monthly all-company employees meeting. It was here that the divide showed up pretty obviously.

Office People: Laughing at all the President's jokes. Generally upbeat.

Production Floor: Quiet. Waiting to hear what happens next.

Office: Relieved. It's not us.

Floor: It's us.

Sunday Review

Let's see, it's Sunday afternoon and I'm reading a report on scrap material, analyzing it, translating the analysis to a spreadsheet, and adding color to highlight key data critical to understanding the report.

Critical Analysis: Ask the key questions that will bring out the important points . . .

Question: Which color (besides red, which sends an alarm) will bring out the most important points?

Question: Should it be in landscape or portrait layout?

Question: Should it be simplified for the VPs?

Question: Why is a cubicle worker making this analysis when it should be someone with responsibility for the tasks being analyzed?

Question: Will anybody double-check the analysis - or just the presentation format?

Question: Why did I agree to a salaried position, no overtime, when I used to be hourly?

Question: This isn't even in my job description - I could just give the spreadsheet uninterpreted - so why am I doing it?

Question: On a Sunday?

The Squeeze 3

Robbing From Peter to Pay Paul.

'Used to be a Marketing only phenomena, limited only to paper credit. End-of-year comes, book-in the January orders for the "How We Performed" presentation to make the year look better than it was. 'Not really lying, since the numbers didn't translate into Accounting practice. And it was all in-house stroking, marking out your turf, and - in some ways - sort of "reality": the last two weeks of December and the first week of January, no one was really working, Anywhere (obviously we're not in retail). Certainly shipping was clogged up by Christmas commerce (we're not seasonal, either). You could sort of, maybe, wink-wink, pretend that these booked orders represented What We Did This Year.

Now it's expanded to Profit-Sharing reality.

On a quarterly basis.

We have an employee Profit-Sharing Plan, in place for over 25 years. We have a new Executive Management Team, on board for almost 3 years. The Execs quickly understood the benefits of Profit-Sharing, albeit in a Plan revised to have "weighted" participation (read: the higher you are, the more you get). This was a much better plan than those that tie Exec Bonuses to any particular target goals: with our plan, all the company has to do is make a gross profit to get a share.

But this is real money, not paper puffery, so when the first quarter of the new regime rolled around and the profits were not so nifty, a few of the newbies squawked to the new Prez: "But you promised..."

To give him his credit, he held out for a year or two. And then one of the Super Executive Plans accidentally tied up shipments for 3 weeks (one has to assume that they didn't want to have shipments come to a standstill).

This was going to be a hell of a bad quarter. To say that we had "profits" was akin to saying that the sun shines on the North Pole in December. Yeah, there's a hint of hopeful light around the edges, but really . . .

A bit of a Squeeze.

Well, honestly, we did have hopeful light! All of those June orders that didn't go out the door would boogie down the highways in July along with the regular July flow. Yes! YES! So, let's just book those orders-not-shipped as Profit and Participate in it. YES! (Ummm, and ignore the fact that the Super Exec Plan had laid off a warehouse shift and there was nobody around to step up the pass-through.)

History becomes the present. That was last June. By end-of-quarter September, we needed to book-in October to make the Profit-Sharing Plan for Q3. Then in December, the year-end wasn't quite going to make it, so January (and a wee bit of February). . . . Now, in March, we need to book-in April, plus a dash or two of May. . . .

The Squeeze.

The Squeeze 2

To keep out unions, this company has an employee profit-sharing plan: "We are all owners."

It's a good plan, actually, despite its cynically-derived origins back in the 1970s when everyone was afraid of a La Raza-type organization of ethnic workers who have always made up the majority of the production floor here. (Hazy memories on exact dates, since no one is around who was there back then.) The plan is good because the company was small enough for the longest time that it was more of an extended family than an Us-Them division of labor. Yeah, there were family squabbles, but everyone was babysitting every else's kid, too. Literally. First name basis, bottom-up, top-down. Couple of idiot children, a couple of enfants terrible, quite a few raised-by-merit bastards. Democratic in its own rough tumble way. So when the employee profit-sharing plan began, and began to flourish after years of the company languishing in a hole, it was a just reward to everyone for pulling together.

Now we're sorta big, though. Not multi-national big, not even a couple of thousand big, but a healthy high hundreds number nevertheless. The Originals are almost all gone, at every level. But the profit sharing plan continues - because the Corporates in charge now revised the plan slightly to change across-the-board sharing into a "graduated merit" plan.

Read: The higher you are, the more you get.

OK, so it's Real World now. It's still a good plan, as these things go. Quarterly, plus an annual dividend, and it gives us an incentive not to make major screw-ups that cause the plan to shrink. (Major screw-up #1: Send out a $100,000 order to the wrong side of the country: lose the order AND lose the client. It has happened.)

But - with the Real World realities come some Real world hypocrisies. We've got a plan without the participation anymore. Never more apparent than yesterday, when 49 people were laid off - including one with 27 years' service - while the Prez gave a speech about how "We have to protect the profit sharing for those who are still here." Yep, we are running tight these days, caught in The Squeeze: 'just not discussing options in a "share" mode -- like unions might have demanded.

Like the old Guns and Roses song used to ask in a basso profundo whisper while Axel Rose squealed his falsetto:
Where do we go from here?
Where do we go?
Where do we go?
Where do we go from here?

The Squeeze

What Andy over on the production side of the floor seems to be saying is this:

"If they want to have the product out the door without taking the time to develop it, they gotta expect the process to be held together by chewing gum."

This sort of echoes Tahir's worries as an engineer:

"They're selling new products before we finish making them."

Andy and Tahir are caught in The Squeeze. The Company is running short on cash, has cut down on support personnel, needs sales, needs new product - and hasn't got the time to do it right.

So they're doing it wrong - hoping that the Quality Control odds fall in their favor and the regulatory auditors don't come knocking on our particular direction.

Up & Down

Wellllllll, Don done did it wrong.

Y'see, Don's competent.

In a world of InC's, Don's the man to turn to. Consequently, everyone UP and below - send their crap to Don to handle.

Smart move for them.

Sad for Don.

Don done did it wrong.

Where Were You Yesterday?

A true conference call. Only the VP's name has been deleted to protect the... innocent?

"I called yesterday. Where were you?"

"Here."

"But I called. You didn't answer."

"I was here. I didn't get your call."

"But I called."

"I was here."

"Did you read my email?"

"I didn't get it."

"But I sent it."

"It must be lost in the netherworld of our network."

"I'll send it again."

Billable Hours: Teleconference

Memorandum
TO: Finance
FROM: Pierre Dolet
RE: Proposed Statistical Analysis

In keeping with this year's "Lean & Mean Time" cost efficiencies goal, we have assembled this proposed table for gauging the effectiveness of outside services. As a test case on how recorded input will read out, we have monitored the first 1/2 day of executive teleconferences with attorneys, consultants and other billable staff. [Note that, in Q1, teleconferences have been substituted for face-to-face conferences, per "Lean & Mean," to cut down on billable travel time.]

Scheduled: TeleConference with Corporate Attorney A to review proposed licensing agreement."

Attorney A: "Good morning."
VP1: "Morning. How was your weekend?"
Discussion of weekend activities.
Attorney A: "What do you think of the proposal so far?"
VP 1: "We'll have to re-schedule till after I have time to go over it."

Billable hours: 0.25 hours minimum
Cost per hour: $400
Cost of call: $100
Accomplished: 0

Scheduled: Teleconference with Consultant C1 in New York, Consultant C2 in Toronto and Consultant C3 in Topeka.

VP2: "Morning, Mike."
C1: "Hi, Bill."
VP2: "Morning, Jim.
C2: "Good Morning, Bill. Hi, Mike."
C1: "Hi, Jim."
VP2: "Tom, you there?"
C3: "I'm on."
VP2: "Good morning."
C3: "Morning, Bill. Mike. Jim.
C2: "Hi, Tom."
C1: "Hi, Jim."
C3: "I'm Tom."
C1: "Hi, Tom. Bill, you still there?"
VP2: "I'm still here."
C2: "Are we still on track?"
VP2: "Tracking."
C3: "Tracked."
C1: "On the mark."
VP2: "Good. Jim, what do you think about that? Jim? Jim?"
C1: "I think we lost him."
C3: "I'm on my cell and about to go through a tunnel. You may lo-"
VP2: "Mike, you wanna hold?"
C1: "Actually, I have to get back to the lab."
VP2: "OK, no problem - we're on track. I'll coordinate the next meeting. Keep up the good work."
C1: "Bye."
VP2: "S'long."
C2: "Hello-? Hello-? I'm back. What-"

Billable hours: 0.5 hours minimum
Cost per hour: $170 per consultant
Cost of call: $255
Accomplished: ---

Outsourced Customer Service

A Letter from The Cube to Management

If you think you are providing customer service by outsourcing to India, you are mistaken.

It is not their fault, over there in India: they cannot think like we do, they cannot understand the nuances of our culture. Just like we have the same handicap in the other direction. Sure, there will be a few of us on either side who can learn and catch the nuances – but it’s difficult. All you have to do is look at how many 1st generation immigrants stay locked in the mindset of the “old country” and you will understand how intrinsically unfair and impossible it is to ask thousands of clericals in India to understand us over here when they answer the phone or instant-message technical help online.

They are patient, God bless ’em, they – are – patient. And polite. We are in the tag end of a five (yes, five!) hour online tech services exploration and I gave up before the anonymous Christina, David and, now, an unnamed supervisor could guide me to a resolution that solved the problem. I found it, finally, by figuring out where they were unable to understand the basic problem and worked backwards from their over-complications.

“Understand.” Words are only a part of understanding. Then there is the between-the-lines level of syntax, logic and shared cultural experience that is the intuitive part of language. Politeness and patience are not resolution, they are methods for coping. Technical vocabulary is not equivalent to comprehension.

To put it in perspective: Years ago, when working with expatriates in the Middle East before the region turned violent, we found it necessary to convey technical information in drawings and photographs to our multicultural crew – all of whom spoke English. Body language became as important a part of communication as words. And we needed time - a short commodity in the customer service field. Time learn the cultural givens and assumptions that informed each person’s understanding of the English words we were speaking. Sometimes a few minutes. Sometimes a few hours. Sometimes. . . . it didn’t happen. To quote Kipling, whose “white man’s burden” assumed racism sometimes overshadows the logic of his experienced reasoning:
East is East and West is West
And never the twain shall meet.

Well, not entirely true. A couple of years ago, Sanjay in Tonawanda, New York, was my supposedly “anonymous” tech support guy on a recurring ISP/cable delivery problem. Oh, Sanjay was Indian all right – but he was also from New York – and within five minutes he cut through the bull to give me some advice that has literally saved me hours of downtime since then. (“Customer service will always tell you that the lines are being ‘temporarily repaired’. They don’t even have Status screens. Skip them & go straight to us.”)

But Sanjay was corrupted: he was American. Y’see, those of you who are outsourcing your Customer Service and Technical Support voices to India, it takes an American to understand an American’s needs. It takes an Indian to understand Indian needs. A Japanese. . . .

I wrote the majority of this while waiting for Christina and David to consult their supervisor on why a simple popup screen in my program did not respond with the same message that their version of the software did, thus blocking further progress. They did not understand that the message appearing was the equivalent of the message they wanted – which had been my elementary question in the first place – but by the time they were finished analyzing, offering solutions and guiding me through aborted re-programming routines, they had re-invented the wheel. I would like to say that this is the first time this has happened and that I am the only person it has happened to.

Yes, I am sure that Christina and David are cheaper to employ than their American counterparts Sanjay and Shagufta – but they aren’t providing customer service. They can’t.

It MUST on Saturday

It must rain or snow on Saturday. It must.

It must be miserable on that weekend you need comfort. It must.

There must be yardwork on Saturday. Or home repair. Or something long and boring and tedious and not... enjoyable.

Or -

The sun will shine. The day will be warm. Birds may even sing - after you have risen.

And you will have to go into work.

Because -

That's the way it MUST be on Saturday.

Customer "Care"

Pierre Dolet here.

Yesterday I wrote my Notes from the Cube “from Customer Care in the Sales Dept.” Forgetting what I wrote – I was pissed off – I got to thinking about the “Care” in “Customer Care.”

You see, we used to be “Customer Service” – and before that “Sales Support.” We actually haven’t changed what we do, just the titles. We are warmer and friendlier, apparently. “Sales” is so, so– transactional. And “Support,” well, if you bought a product from us, it is so good that it stands on its own: it certainly doesn’t need to be propped up and supported.

But “Service,” you see, is about helping you. The product is GREAT – but you may need that extra service to help you use it to its full potential.

In fact, we care about you – we really do. Hence, we are now “Customer Care.” We are the warm and fuzzy face of the Sales team. There are no problems to be fixed, no complaints to be salved – only “issues” to be “resolved” and “misunderstandings” to be “explained in a user-friendly manner.”

Customer Care: We have been, you may notice, at a Team Seminar explaining our department’s name change. It has affected us immediately.

Beautiful music on the phone. A pleasant, soothing voice: “Good morning, this is Customer Care. Your concerns are our concerns – and we will be with you in a few moments to address your needs. As you wait, please enjoy our complimentary selection of musical highlights to fit your taste. Press one for Easy Listening, Two for Classical Standards, Three for . . .”

Negotiating Beyond The Limit

Pierre Dolet writes his Notes from the Cube from Customer Care in the Sales Dept. . . .

Here’s an idea: when you’re getting something for nothing, don’t keep negotiating for a better deal.

It is amazing how customers, receiving a promotional bonus or discount or, simply, benefiting from an accounting error in their favor, then come back and push push PUSH for that ineffable, insatiable, unfulfillable “More.”

They won’t say “More”; they won’t admit to greed in wanting “More”; they may even feel cheated if they don’t get “More” – but they want it nevertheless, without reason, right, or justification. It must be a primal urge, like gorging oneself at the table long after the stomach has protested “Please, not one bite more: I’ll burst!” Once, back in the primeval ooze of human existence, the crayfish-that-became-a-man must have been starved for cash and . . .

More. Keep noodging, niggling, nudging, scratching, tapping, pressing, pissing me off with your neverending unworded whine for “More.”

More.

And I will not tell you this, because this is business, and the company wants your future business.

Yes: we, too, want “More.”

Do You Want It?

Hank Gerber writes his Notes from the Cube . . .

“Do you want it, yes or no?” ‘Sounds like a simple enough question, yes? Try asking it at a meeting where there is apparently another agenda than the one printed in front of you – and you don’t know what that agenda is.

“Do you want it, yes or no?” Try asking it when you are simply the messenger and the persons who are supposed to answer you are decision-makers. “Persons” is purposely said: one-on-one, decision-makers are usually very verbally definitive to their subords – not so definite when it comes to putting that decision in writing – and positively discreet on their own opinion when sitting with a bunch of equal-ranked decision-makers and the issue isn’t open-and-shut.

“Another agenda.” Hell, it’s no “hidden agenda” conspiracy – it’s just the too-human fear of making a mistake in a situation where others are all-too-able to co-opt the credit and all-too-willing to let you take the blame for decision gone south.

But that’s what decision-makers are paid for, isn’t it?

Yep. And some even take the responsibility seriously. They’re the ones that used to work here.

Now, with the bland boys and marshmallow men in charge, a “decision” will become a fait accompli by momentum. One day it wasn’t, the next day it is. Or by osmosis: everyone will assume it was decided, questions of When and by Whom left unvoiced.

And no one has committed themselves to it.

Ask A Question & It Goes Round

Forgot the primary rule of the Committee: no question is answered definitively.

Made that mistake yesterday by sending out a query prior to today's Committee meeting, soliciting answers to certain issues that were, according to last month's Committee Action Items, to be put to bed by today's event.

Barring the other standard rule - If It's Written It Will Not Be Read - in which 50% of the Committee members have yet to acknowledge that they received yesterday's query or are aware of last month's Action Item list, the response from those who did respond is impressive: out of seven answers, not one actually says Yes or No or I Think It Should Be.

2 restate the query - as if by repeating it they have answered.

1 questions the validity of the issue.

1 questions the need for the query: "We'll discuss it at tomorrow's meeting."

2 note that they are "researching the issue."

and

1 says "I agree with my colleagues on the Committee."

Wait For the Day

Monday morning before going to work:
Wait for the day.
Wait for the day.
This is not poetry, it's how you feel:
Anticipation at play.
Wait for the day.
Not dread, not fear, not pleasure, not fun:
Unformed like clay.
Wait for the day.
Old troubles seem smaller. Old problems, who cares?
Be cool, you say.
Wait for the day.
New day new week new chance new way
Wait for the day.
Wait for the day.

It's a long ride there.
Wait for the day.

Change the same. Same is changed.
Day the wait for
The day.

Wait.

No -
Here.

The.
Day.

Across the World Bitching

Yeah, of course it's discouraged, but we're gonna do it anyway.

Thanks to the comfort, speed and beauty of email, cubicle workers around the world share their complaints and observations (usually wry, sarcastic, comic) in rapid-fire succession. Not spam, but the one-to-one pass-on of shared experience. Often self-directed. Sometimes semi-scatological. Usually true in that strike-home sense that doesn't allow argument (and certainly can't be said aloud in management-employee meetings).

There may be profound differences between our world politics, cultures and religions - but we are one in our cubes

Sometimes It's Fun

Great experience yesterday. Started a task, dived into it - and looked up to find it was four hours later. Sometimes it's fun to feel like a craftsman working your job, absorbed into its details to the exclusion of all other concerns.

Note to Self: Probably family and less enthused co-workers may not agree.

When You Know VPs Know Zip

Soooo.... A follow-up to yesterday's Veep meeting with the company dangling out the semi-"promised" Big Order.....

Several commitments were made yesterday by our Veeps, especially ones related to an accelerated development/delivery schedule.

In phone conferences today the Veeps elaborated those commitments to the other company - and among one another.

So far, by the end of workday today (Friday), no one has bothered to tell the developers and production people responsible for delivering those commitments - at least one of whom goes for a three week vacation starting tomorrow. The Veeps for those divisions, meanwhile, are in Europe next week. The President wasn't here this week, so who knows what he knows.

Does anyone in charge know how this company makes its products?

When You Know You're Not In Sales

Was invited to a meeting yesterday by accident. ("Accident": no one had confirmed and they needed to fill some seats for a meet-and-greet with some visiting VIPs. As it happened, everyone invited showed up to an SRO crowd, but I was already seated next to a VIP so I had an unnaturally "central" position that could not be vacated without awkward embarrassment to the company.)

The meeting was supposed to be a Getting To Re-Know You with a company that had been very small three years ago and was competing at that time to be one of our vendors. Since then, it was bought by a medium-big company that could eat us for lunch. (We're a little too big, they're a little too small, for their 'breakfast" menu.) So, the point: now they have $$$ and want us to be their vendor.

I have to say that they were cruel and victorious in a quiet, almost dull way. It wasn't their fault that our Veeps and Directors practically threw the company at their feet with an Anything For You, Sir abasement. Still, "quiet" and "dull" do not change the little knife jabs that they gleefully twisted around as they basically had our people jumping through hoops at the intimation that they would "consider thinking about it."

This is where I know I could not, would not, should not no never not be in Sales.

I know that our Veeps probably did what was necessary. Certainly no one shook with that excited frenzy you sometimes find with commission-poor auto salesmen on a Sunday evening. But, by the same token, they did practically tremble with anticipation of a "relationship" with a company that they had virtually dismissed only 36 months before.

Y'see, I could understand confidentially saying "OK, let's see what we can do for you" - but it never was said - or said like that.

Instead, starting from a position of faux "cool" (and it was transparently faux because the they were all nervously half-smiling at the prospect of the aforesaid intimation of a possibly considered large volume relationship), from the start they essentially abandoned every standard and guideline they had printed in the company materials. I don't think they we're even paying attention when they agreed to structural changes in a design that would have cost more to implement than the entire intimated order was worth. But not only did they agree - they began to suggest more costly alterations.

To which the other side, seeing which direction the wind was blowing, began to add increasingly arbitrary "requirements" in dialogues like:

"I don't see X in the current model. Do you think you could -"

"Not only can we X it, we'll add a YZ."

"Well, show us some prototypes and we'll see."

"No problem."

(Never mind that the current design was arrived at after 18 months of field study and design work - and that prototypes require 75% of the work it takes to get to a finished product - and this is on a "We'll see" request.)

In the end, for a "possible" order smaller than our current market average - with no money down and no further commitment - we are now committed to an accelerated development schedule on product variations that no one else has wanted, ever.

And our Veeps are happy. The halls were alive with positive vibes yesterday afternoon. No one seems to notice what they have done: everything for hope of The Sale.

This is when I know I am not made for Sales.

Conflict Management: Solutions

Hank Gerber writes his Notes from the Cube . . .

Ideas that came out from a seminar on "Conflict Management."

Amid all of the seminar-endorsed approaches and the hours-long discussions of how we can manage/control/diffuse conflict, the following ideas were developed by the working groups we were broken in to. (Note: not necessarily endorsed by the seminar leader.):

Fake it until you make it. (i.e., When the conflict is management-origined, plan on getting out of there ASAP on your own terms - a better, or at least comparable, job elsewhere. Not, as it turns out, an uncommon situation. This idea actually was endorsed by the the seminar leader, a smart cookie.)

Grow up and live with it. (Mainly men - but also a lot of women 40 and over who know who they are.)

Grow up, blow up, and forget it once it's past. (Variation on the above. A lot of people, actually, seem to understand that sometimes venting is "natural." No one from the HR departments endorsed this approach, though.)

Is it "conflict" if you are from New York? (A regional observation. Variations included: "I'm Italian and you think this is a loud voice? I'm Jewish and you think... Etc.)

Ex-Lax. (Don't ask.)

A sledgehammer to the head. (My suggestion about a co-worker of one group who had screwed up to the tune of $50K and $30K each year past - but who, every 3-4 weeks, started interminable arguments insisting he was right. They had come to the conclusion to fire the guy, but I am too kind-hearted and pointed out it would hurt his feelings. The sledgehammer, meanwhile.... You have to understand that, from the way they described the guy, he seems to be indestructible.)